Several studies suggest that people in relationships can lose their flare for Sexual encounters with each other after 12-18 months. Let's take a minute to Journey... to the magical land where people can have happy and healthy Sexual appetites for their partner of greater than a year and a half!
There's the monotony of being with the same person. There's the boredom of going through the same routine. There's the incredible energy and inclination suck that is adult responsibility. There's the smell of wine and cheap perfume. You're looking for something new, something exciting, a train going to anywhere!
Umm... why not get new/exciting/on a train.... with your lover? Why look elsewhere when you've already established a close relationship? If sex is the only thing that's fizzled out in your love life... fix it! Don't give up on him/her because you used to have more sex! Here are some ways to spice up your ALREADY meaningful Sexual Partner:
1.)Toys! It doesn't have to be a $120 wevibe (http://www.sensualseductions.ca/store/sex-toys-for-couples/Fun-Sex-Play/The-WE-VIBE/) but if you have something you enjoy on your own... why not enjoy it in tandem with your horizontal tango partner?!
2.)Change of location! You know what's less boring than Missionary? Missionary on the roof of jungle-gym at the park where you walked on your first date! Don't scare any little kiddies and blame it on us, but reliving your first date AND outdoor could be caught are both AWESOME for your Funparts.
3.)New positions. New positions. New positions. Yeah, it's all Sex... but you've probably done little more than “Man on top” “Woman on top” and “Doggie Style.” The man is likely to have a similar experience physiologically any time his Penis is in a Vagina, but a woman is able to feel very different things with new angles and depths of Penetration. TRY IT. DO WORK SON.
4.)Talk about changing Contraception methods. The only way to ensure you prevent unwanted pregnancy and the spread of Sexually Transmitted Infections of ANY KIND is Abstinence followed by lifelong Monogamy for BOTH partners. However, in relationships where both partners have been given a clean bill of health you can decide together to choose Birth Control pills or shots in lieu of Condoms. Moreover if you are only using Birth Control pills but it diminishes Female Sexual desire (which happens more frequently than you'd believe) maybe the Male is comfortable using Condoms and foregoing the hormone imbalance inducing Pill.
5.)Get preggers. Having a baby will NEVER solve any emotional, intellectual, or social problems as they relate to Relationships. Having a baby CAN make it easier for some women to reach Orgasm thereafter. It's not a reason to have a child. It IS a reason for a woman considering having a child to feel better about her Sexual future. Feeling better almost always leads to feeling better if you know what I mean?! (I mean Sex... I mean feeling better emotionally will lead to having better Sexual experiences... no room for the subtle....)
6.)Talk Dirty to me girl. I mean... talk dirty. In general... Not to me. I meant in general. If you're comfortable with the way your pillow talk sounds... leave it alone. If there's EVER anything you wish you could say, or wish you could hear... Try it baby! More graphic phrases or words should be discussed before coitus. Your partner has to be comfortable with your new mouth, but I'm willing to bet s/he will be!
7.)Put your clothes back on. Seriously. I'm not saying “Give up.” I'm saying “PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON?!” All it takes to have Heterosexual Monogamous Sexual Intercourse is access to both pieces-parts. You can both be nearly fully dressed. Only one of you could be dressed. You could leave just her bra. You could be in a crowded hotel elevator with a slightly lifted skirt and an unzipped pair of slacks. If you've grown somewhat tired of the seeing the same person naked every time you have sex... see them not naked... and make such passionate love to them that the scream your name.
8.)Scream their name. Umm... just try it. I promise you'll be thanking me. Your roommate will be uncomfortable: umm, worth it.
If you're in a happy relationship but the Sex is slipping... you're in a happy relationship. That's actually really normal, ordinary, and expected. It'll pass. There'll be times you really wanna pork. There'll be times you don't want to at all. That's life. Don't give up on something awesome because you didn't feel like doing it tonight. If you're really making Love... nothing else really matters.
Sex Tip #17
If you don't like something... stop. Sex? Masturbating? Making out? Yeah, those things are supposed to be fun. If they aren't... do something else.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Nasty Girl
This is the kind of blog that only Prince would sing about...
You're pretty upset with that Promiscuous Girl in your class/workplace/church aren't you? She's clearly a tramp. Look at the way she dresses. I mean, oh my god Becky, look at her butt. She's got an awful lot of guys around, I bet she's giving it up like it was going out of style.
Does this sound a little bit like you? Cause it sounds a little bit like the staff of the Mountain Sexvival Guide.
We're pretty quick as people to judge our peers based on how they look, speak, and date. We're pretty quick to look down on people for any number of reasons. Often those feelings manifest themselves into derogatory comments about their Sexuality. This is one of the most hurtful ways to denigrate a person's character.
It's also bad for your sexual health!!
Sexuality, and expressions thereof, are not inherently bad. Sexual promiscuity can be safe and pleasant for all involved. Everyone's trying to figure things out for themselves and nearly every person is going to make decisions that you would not make. This isn't a judge not lest ye be judged thing either... The MSG doesn't say "Wait dude, you're Sexual appetites are just as weird." it says "If people are open, honest, consenting, and safe... leave them alone."
Let us put it this way: You don't have to like people. But every time you insult someone's Sexual Experience you make it that much harder for people to be comfortable talking about their Sexuality. The less people talk about Sex, the more likely they are to be secretive, dishonest, manipulative, and unsafe.
So yeah, you don't have to like people... but no one is such a tramp that you hope she AIDS* so play nice. Only YOU can prevent negative stereotypes and sexual stigma.
Sex Tip #16
A Parthenophobe is someone who is afraid of virgins. Remember that no matter what preferences s/he has that make you uncomfortable... there's weirder stuff out there.**
*Think about this HARD before you disagree.
**This is the Judge Not... section of the post.
You're pretty upset with that Promiscuous Girl in your class/workplace/church aren't you? She's clearly a tramp. Look at the way she dresses. I mean, oh my god Becky, look at her butt. She's got an awful lot of guys around, I bet she's giving it up like it was going out of style.
Does this sound a little bit like you? Cause it sounds a little bit like the staff of the Mountain Sexvival Guide.
We're pretty quick as people to judge our peers based on how they look, speak, and date. We're pretty quick to look down on people for any number of reasons. Often those feelings manifest themselves into derogatory comments about their Sexuality. This is one of the most hurtful ways to denigrate a person's character.
It's also bad for your sexual health!!
Sexuality, and expressions thereof, are not inherently bad. Sexual promiscuity can be safe and pleasant for all involved. Everyone's trying to figure things out for themselves and nearly every person is going to make decisions that you would not make. This isn't a judge not lest ye be judged thing either... The MSG doesn't say "Wait dude, you're Sexual appetites are just as weird." it says "If people are open, honest, consenting, and safe... leave them alone."
Let us put it this way: You don't have to like people. But every time you insult someone's Sexual Experience you make it that much harder for people to be comfortable talking about their Sexuality. The less people talk about Sex, the more likely they are to be secretive, dishonest, manipulative, and unsafe.
So yeah, you don't have to like people... but no one is such a tramp that you hope she AIDS* so play nice. Only YOU can prevent negative stereotypes and sexual stigma.
Sex Tip #16
A Parthenophobe is someone who is afraid of virgins. Remember that no matter what preferences s/he has that make you uncomfortable... there's weirder stuff out there.**
*Think about this HARD before you disagree.
**This is the Judge Not... section of the post.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
It's a long way to the top...
The 60s: the decade of Free Love. People could do whatever they wanted and there were no consequences to their actions. Sex was safe, drugs were safe, all experiments were good.
I know, I've seen it on T.V.
It's sad life can't be like that anymore. Nowadays you really need a notarized letter from a physician to trust that someone with whom you are about to get it on won't get you sick. And it's not even sick like “Darn, I've got a cough.” It's sick like “What are these bleeding sores on my Scrotum?” When you have a cough, you can tell your mom about it... When you have weird wounds on your Willy, you probably don't tell your Ma. Let's just set the record straight, the MSG writers and archival searching teams all agree: If you aren't afraid of sex... you should be.
But you want to live in the era of free love! You don't like commitment. You feel ready for adult relationships, you don't want to hurt anyone, but you don't want to settle for just one partner... We applaud you for being so clear about what you want. There are two completely different flavors of things that maybe you ought to think about.
1.) Not all Sexual appetites need to be filled. Your body wanting something does not justify any behavior… ever. Just because it feels good doesn’t mean it feels right. Think about all the other stuff in your life that you want but choose not to have. You could be taking big risks for immediate gratification that ends up just causing turmoil in your life. How could Sex cause turmoil? HAhahahaHAHAHAahahahAHAHAHAHAHA That’s a good one dude! I thought you were being serious for like a whole instant and that’s funny as hell! How does Sex cause turmoil? Dude, I’m literally crying. That’s how funny that is! I think I just peed a little.
2.) Good Luck! You think it’s hard having a monogamous relationship? Just wait until you get into the game and try to juggle multiple people in terms of schedule and emotion. You can respect people, treat them well, deal with them honestly… You’re still going to hurt someone (probably). Chances are good that you will alienate yourself from certain friend circles. You deserve some of this. Some will be totally out of the blue, and not really your fault. It’ll still happen.
You can be a Player. You can be a Playette. You can be a completely upfront, honest, integrity-filled dude/dudette who has several sexual partners without mistreating any of them. There is nothing wrong with you for trying. But my perspective is… you’ll probably only be trying. It’s a lot of work. It’s more work than a relationship. It’s got more risks. It’s bound to be more likely to leave you feeling alone. If it’s worth it to you…go for it. But remember: It’s a long way to the top if you want to rock and roll.
Sex Tip #15
What speaks louder than words? Whispers! Try biting your partner gently on the ear and whispering whatever naughty thing you were just about to say out loud. Some people do like loud, but everyone likes sweet nothings teasing their ear.
I know, I've seen it on T.V.
It's sad life can't be like that anymore. Nowadays you really need a notarized letter from a physician to trust that someone with whom you are about to get it on won't get you sick. And it's not even sick like “Darn, I've got a cough.” It's sick like “What are these bleeding sores on my Scrotum?” When you have a cough, you can tell your mom about it... When you have weird wounds on your Willy, you probably don't tell your Ma. Let's just set the record straight, the MSG writers and archival searching teams all agree: If you aren't afraid of sex... you should be.
But you want to live in the era of free love! You don't like commitment. You feel ready for adult relationships, you don't want to hurt anyone, but you don't want to settle for just one partner... We applaud you for being so clear about what you want. There are two completely different flavors of things that maybe you ought to think about.
1.) Not all Sexual appetites need to be filled. Your body wanting something does not justify any behavior… ever. Just because it feels good doesn’t mean it feels right. Think about all the other stuff in your life that you want but choose not to have. You could be taking big risks for immediate gratification that ends up just causing turmoil in your life. How could Sex cause turmoil? HAhahahaHAHAHAahahahAHAHAHAHAHA That’s a good one dude! I thought you were being serious for like a whole instant and that’s funny as hell! How does Sex cause turmoil? Dude, I’m literally crying. That’s how funny that is! I think I just peed a little.
2.) Good Luck! You think it’s hard having a monogamous relationship? Just wait until you get into the game and try to juggle multiple people in terms of schedule and emotion. You can respect people, treat them well, deal with them honestly… You’re still going to hurt someone (probably). Chances are good that you will alienate yourself from certain friend circles. You deserve some of this. Some will be totally out of the blue, and not really your fault. It’ll still happen.
You can be a Player. You can be a Playette. You can be a completely upfront, honest, integrity-filled dude/dudette who has several sexual partners without mistreating any of them. There is nothing wrong with you for trying. But my perspective is… you’ll probably only be trying. It’s a lot of work. It’s more work than a relationship. It’s got more risks. It’s bound to be more likely to leave you feeling alone. If it’s worth it to you…go for it. But remember: It’s a long way to the top if you want to rock and roll.
Sex Tip #15
What speaks louder than words? Whispers! Try biting your partner gently on the ear and whispering whatever naughty thing you were just about to say out loud. Some people do like loud, but everyone likes sweet nothings teasing their ear.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Get the cool...
Get the cool shoe shine.
For those of you who don't know, that 19-2000 song remix by the GORILLAZ is about giving Oral Sex to a man. That's the cool shoe shine.
Fellatio and Irrumatio refer to Oral Sex performed on a man. The latter is a stylistic choice. Get a dictionary. There are lots of places where these sexual acts are not acceptable practices, particularly Asian, African, primarily Christian, and primarily Muslim nations. You are asking yourself where people aren't Asian, African, Muslim, or Christian... France. They're all Nihilists. Dirty Nihilists. It seems that everywhere but France Oral Sex given to a man is a taboo. The Ancient Romans and Greeks even considered Fellatio to be a shameful act to perform. And those people did little boys in the butt as a means of educating them. If they can't get behind Fellatio than it must be awful right?
Maybe. There ya go. That's the MSG take on the matter. Oral Sex could be gross. If a boy wants you to do that to him and you don't want to; don't.
It could be fun. It could be awesome. It could be a huge turn on for you once you are more comfortable with it. But, it IS your choice. No one can expect it from you or demand it of you.
Please repeat the message
It's the music(Sexual Acts) that we choose.
Sex Tip #14
The CDC says you can get HIV or several other Sexually Transmitted diseases from RECEIVING Oral Sex... It's not "safe" just because you didn't touch their junk.
http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/resources/qa/qa19.htm
For those of you who don't know, that 19-2000 song remix by the GORILLAZ is about giving Oral Sex to a man. That's the cool shoe shine.
Fellatio and Irrumatio refer to Oral Sex performed on a man. The latter is a stylistic choice. Get a dictionary. There are lots of places where these sexual acts are not acceptable practices, particularly Asian, African, primarily Christian, and primarily Muslim nations. You are asking yourself where people aren't Asian, African, Muslim, or Christian... France. They're all Nihilists. Dirty Nihilists. It seems that everywhere but France Oral Sex given to a man is a taboo. The Ancient Romans and Greeks even considered Fellatio to be a shameful act to perform. And those people did little boys in the butt as a means of educating them. If they can't get behind Fellatio than it must be awful right?
Maybe. There ya go. That's the MSG take on the matter. Oral Sex could be gross. If a boy wants you to do that to him and you don't want to; don't.
It could be fun. It could be awesome. It could be a huge turn on for you once you are more comfortable with it. But, it IS your choice. No one can expect it from you or demand it of you.
Please repeat the message
It's the music(Sexual Acts) that we choose.
Sex Tip #14
The CDC says you can get HIV or several other Sexually Transmitted diseases from RECEIVING Oral Sex... It's not "safe" just because you didn't touch their junk.
http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/resources/qa/qa19.htm
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Can you do a cock pushup?
‘Cause I can. One at a time, but I can do it.
Ahh, the penis… It seems like everyone has one, right? Girls are innies, boys are outies.‡ What I’m saying is; we should talk about dicks cause we all have one.
First things first: the average penis size (as the aggregate of multiple studies) is around 5.35 inches (or 14.7 centimeters for you metric fucks). This means that most people have a penis that is smaller than 6 inches. And there are very few people with penises that are the size of those in porn. Pornises, as we call them, are often monstrously huge and scary. Once I saw a Penis so big that I thought I was watching Godzilla Slay Mothra. I still have nightmares. Scary nightmares.
No matter the size, your boy needs love and attention to grow into a raging, throbbing, love machine of a man. You need to keep him clean. Girls bathe before having Sex because they don’t want their Genitalia to be gross.* You should do them the same courtesy and make sure there is no funk on your junk. It is especially important if you still have your Foreskin because stuff can start to grow under your snake’s hat. This is called dick cheese or smegma. Take a freaking shower dude, wash your nuts with soap. Soap. Seriously, it’s important. Soap.
Now we aren’t saying size doesn’t matter. If you have a little dude, we feel sorry for you. Look, it’s not that there is anything wrong with your penis, it’s that women will think something is wrong with your penis*. Women take huge Erections as some kind of compliment, as though that guys Dick is only that big because she is so attractive to him.* This is stupid. That Erection is the same size now as it is when he first heard the Reel Big Fish cover of “Take on Me” by A-Ha. You can combat your size issue a number of ways:
1.) Surgery – There is a tendon at the base of your Penis. You can add a full one to three inches by having that tendon cut by a surgeon. Ask your doctor about all the negative health and Sexual consequences that could result from this decision.
2.) Strap-on – There are Strap-ons for men that can be used basically like a condom. It’ll extend you and keep her from being pregnant.
3.) Date Asian women – They’re a short people.They must have tiny other things. Asian woman will think you are a giant.§
4.) Talking it out – Think about it this way; the smaller your Penis is, the more likely it is that you will stimulate her Clitoris with your Pelvic bone.
5.) Selective Trimming – Seriously dude if you just trim the area around your throbbing twig, it may turn out to look like a tree-trunk!
Remember, if you can’t keep it in your pants, keep it covered.
Sex Tip # 13 You can reach the G-Spot with your fingers. You can reach the Clitoris with your tongue. You can multi-task. She can grab your head and squeeze her legs and scream your name. Hot damn.
_________________________________
‡ That's what the bible says, right?
As a sidenote, one of the writers of the MSG, while sitting in the pub overheard Philip Powell say “get your balls licked” but really loudly. In the pub. Also, John Guin never did y’all.
Ahh, the penis… It seems like everyone has one, right? Girls are innies, boys are outies.‡ What I’m saying is; we should talk about dicks cause we all have one.
First things first: the average penis size (as the aggregate of multiple studies) is around 5.35 inches (or 14.7 centimeters for you metric fucks). This means that most people have a penis that is smaller than 6 inches. And there are very few people with penises that are the size of those in porn. Pornises, as we call them, are often monstrously huge and scary. Once I saw a Penis so big that I thought I was watching Godzilla Slay Mothra. I still have nightmares. Scary nightmares.
No matter the size, your boy needs love and attention to grow into a raging, throbbing, love machine of a man. You need to keep him clean. Girls bathe before having Sex because they don’t want their Genitalia to be gross.* You should do them the same courtesy and make sure there is no funk on your junk. It is especially important if you still have your Foreskin because stuff can start to grow under your snake’s hat. This is called dick cheese or smegma. Take a freaking shower dude, wash your nuts with soap. Soap. Seriously, it’s important. Soap.
Now we aren’t saying size doesn’t matter. If you have a little dude, we feel sorry for you. Look, it’s not that there is anything wrong with your penis, it’s that women will think something is wrong with your penis*. Women take huge Erections as some kind of compliment, as though that guys Dick is only that big because she is so attractive to him.* This is stupid. That Erection is the same size now as it is when he first heard the Reel Big Fish cover of “Take on Me” by A-Ha. You can combat your size issue a number of ways:
1.) Surgery – There is a tendon at the base of your Penis. You can add a full one to three inches by having that tendon cut by a surgeon. Ask your doctor about all the negative health and Sexual consequences that could result from this decision.
2.) Strap-on – There are Strap-ons for men that can be used basically like a condom. It’ll extend you and keep her from being pregnant.
3.) Date Asian women – They’re a short people.They must have tiny other things. Asian woman will think you are a giant.§
4.) Talking it out – Think about it this way; the smaller your Penis is, the more likely it is that you will stimulate her Clitoris with your Pelvic bone.
5.) Selective Trimming – Seriously dude if you just trim the area around your throbbing twig, it may turn out to look like a tree-trunk!
Remember, if you can’t keep it in your pants, keep it covered.
Sex Tip # 13 You can reach the G-Spot with your fingers. You can reach the Clitoris with your tongue. You can multi-task. She can grab your head and squeeze her legs and scream your name. Hot damn.
_________________________________
‡ That's what the bible says, right?
* Gross generalization on the part of Sambert Willidan
§ The entire staff of the Mountain Sexvival Guide finds racism and racist remarks to be tasteless and untrue. We don’t know how this made it past the copy-editors.
As a sidenote, one of the writers of the MSG, while sitting in the pub overheard Philip Powell say “get your balls licked” but really loudly. In the pub. Also, John Guin never did y’all.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Suckin' on my Titties....
like you wanted me?
What does that song mean? Jesus... some people have NO concept of romance.
Anyway, since we're talking about it, let's get a "Titties" high-five!
We have this friend. She's a girl. She has Breasts. To keep her identity a secret we'll refer to her by a codename: Ellie. Did we mention Ellie has Breasts? Cause we were just talking about them.
It happened to be that tonight the entire staff of the Mountain Sexvival Guide was watching 90210 together at a sorority house. (I mean... we're sexperts, where else would we be hanging out... *yells "Sorostitutes, HELL YEAH"*) We got into an argument with Ellie.
Ellie thinks her breasts "need" a push-up bra. Other girls in the house, ones with more naturally perky and full bodied breasts, did not "need" a push-up bra. The entire staff was angry. We don't feel anyone "needs" any specific flavour of bra.
Here's the deal, straight from the appendix to the Guide: Those ideas about what you need in order to be an attractive woman... those are stupid ideas. Those are unnatural constructs of flawed modern understandings of what the human form "should" look like. Those ideas are big business telling you that you aren't good enough.
Big business can go to hell. Your body is fine. There is nothing wrong with you. You don't "need" anything. Having a healthy Sexuality... requires having a healthy view of yourself. Also, Breasts are hot.
Sambert signing out.
Tip #12
Your little man is impressionable. If you masturbate too much and ejaculate too quickly... he'll think his job is supposed to be over in a jiffy when he's in a 'gina.
What does that song mean? Jesus... some people have NO concept of romance.
Anyway, since we're talking about it, let's get a "Titties" high-five!
We have this friend. She's a girl. She has Breasts. To keep her identity a secret we'll refer to her by a codename: Ellie. Did we mention Ellie has Breasts? Cause we were just talking about them.
It happened to be that tonight the entire staff of the Mountain Sexvival Guide was watching 90210 together at a sorority house. (I mean... we're sexperts, where else would we be hanging out... *yells "Sorostitutes, HELL YEAH"*) We got into an argument with Ellie.
Ellie thinks her breasts "need" a push-up bra. Other girls in the house, ones with more naturally perky and full bodied breasts, did not "need" a push-up bra. The entire staff was angry. We don't feel anyone "needs" any specific flavour of bra.
Here's the deal, straight from the appendix to the Guide: Those ideas about what you need in order to be an attractive woman... those are stupid ideas. Those are unnatural constructs of flawed modern understandings of what the human form "should" look like. Those ideas are big business telling you that you aren't good enough.
Big business can go to hell. Your body is fine. There is nothing wrong with you. You don't "need" anything. Having a healthy Sexuality... requires having a healthy view of yourself. Also, Breasts are hot.
Sambert signing out.
Tip #12
Your little man is impressionable. If you masturbate too much and ejaculate too quickly... he'll think his job is supposed to be over in a jiffy when he's in a 'gina.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Dum-Dum-Deedum…
It's a thief in the night to come and grab you
It can creep up inside you and consume you
A disease of the mind it can control you
I feel like a monster, oh….
Vincilagnia, or more commonly: Bondage. That’s what you were thinking right? Being tied up, having Chris Brown beat the crap out of you… oh yeah! (maybe this is a bad example… domestic abuse is never funny… and it’s NEVER isolated)
But BDSM is weird right? It sends shivers down your spine to think of physical abuse and Sexual Intercourse. We’re gonna go ahead and mention that on page 68 of the Mountain Sexvival Guide there is a section that details how Bondage is not about abuse, it’s about dominance. Dominance is significantly less weird than abuse. So we aren’t about to advocate you tying up Steve and whipping him… we’re about to advocate tying up Steve and whipping him if both you and he are interested in having that experience and are willing to let that shared experience bring you emotionally and intellectually closer as a couple, run-on sentence. One of the writers would take this moment to note that monogamous couples are not the only people who engage in Sexual acts. That writer clearly hates Jesus.
Bondage is a practice that became more mainstream in the 1960’s. We assume it existed before then. Over the years we’ve learned from… other people’s mistakes…we swear… If you are interested in Bondage there are some things we want to warn you about:
1.) If this is a random “Hook-up” they could be trying to rob you. Seriously, if a woman offers to take you back to a hotel room and tie you to a bedpost, you might be there a while.
2.) If it’s something that your partner is into and they want you to be into it then you need to have conversations about how far you’re willing to go. Decide on a safety word and make sure that partner is willing to respect your boundaries. If he wants to slap your Breasts relatively hard and you just want to have your hands loosely tied while he tongues at your Lady Parts… you two are in for an awkward-mostly-Sexless-night. (As a safety word we recommend: Hornswaggle. Seriously, the likelihood that “Hornswaggle” is the thing they scream out of intense pleasure; very slim.)
3.) Establish whether or not this is a regular thing. Maybe you (or your partner) does not want to have Sex with handcuffs often. Maybe you don’t even want “sometimes.” We’ve found that many couples experiment with Sexual Acts and then decide that experiment went poorly. One of our writers tried “Titty Fucking” with his less-than-A-Cup girlfriend… we didn’t try that more than once… but she did have to purchase some moisturizing skin cream…
4.) Peruse the inventory before you make any purchases from this shop. You don’t want to be blindfolded when you discover she’s into sharp objects.
5.) If you try this at home and find it’s awesome; go ask an expert. Sex shops will be able to learn you some things about this activity and match you with items that suit your comfort.
6.) Finally, don’t do anything you don’t want to do! IF YOU DON’T WANT TO TRY BONDAGE… DON’T LET S/HE TALK YOU INTO IT!
Basically you need to communicate. If you want Bondage and your partner does not, then you need to talk about that shit! Maybe your partner is willing to compromise. Maybe you need to have that need fulfilled somewhere else. If your partner is open there are people and places that will barter with you; you give them money and they tie you down and whip you while you think about them naked. Maybe your girlfriend/boyfriend would rather you pay for it than have it be them. Not really the thing we want to advocate, but definitely an option for informed adults making informed decisions about their Sexualities.
Tip #11
While food play may seem like a good idea, be very careful when food is near the Vagina. Changes in the pH of the Vagina can lead to things living in there, and those roses really smell like poo-poo-poo.
It can creep up inside you and consume you
A disease of the mind it can control you
I feel like a monster, oh….
Vincilagnia, or more commonly: Bondage. That’s what you were thinking right? Being tied up, having Chris Brown beat the crap out of you… oh yeah! (maybe this is a bad example… domestic abuse is never funny… and it’s NEVER isolated)
But BDSM is weird right? It sends shivers down your spine to think of physical abuse and Sexual Intercourse. We’re gonna go ahead and mention that on page 68 of the Mountain Sexvival Guide there is a section that details how Bondage is not about abuse, it’s about dominance. Dominance is significantly less weird than abuse. So we aren’t about to advocate you tying up Steve and whipping him… we’re about to advocate tying up Steve and whipping him if both you and he are interested in having that experience and are willing to let that shared experience bring you emotionally and intellectually closer as a couple, run-on sentence. One of the writers would take this moment to note that monogamous couples are not the only people who engage in Sexual acts. That writer clearly hates Jesus.
Bondage is a practice that became more mainstream in the 1960’s. We assume it existed before then. Over the years we’ve learned from… other people’s mistakes…we swear… If you are interested in Bondage there are some things we want to warn you about:
1.) If this is a random “Hook-up” they could be trying to rob you. Seriously, if a woman offers to take you back to a hotel room and tie you to a bedpost, you might be there a while.
2.) If it’s something that your partner is into and they want you to be into it then you need to have conversations about how far you’re willing to go. Decide on a safety word and make sure that partner is willing to respect your boundaries. If he wants to slap your Breasts relatively hard and you just want to have your hands loosely tied while he tongues at your Lady Parts… you two are in for an awkward-mostly-Sexless-night. (As a safety word we recommend: Hornswaggle. Seriously, the likelihood that “Hornswaggle” is the thing they scream out of intense pleasure; very slim.)
3.) Establish whether or not this is a regular thing. Maybe you (or your partner) does not want to have Sex with handcuffs often. Maybe you don’t even want “sometimes.” We’ve found that many couples experiment with Sexual Acts and then decide that experiment went poorly. One of our writers tried “Titty Fucking” with his less-than-A-Cup girlfriend… we didn’t try that more than once… but she did have to purchase some moisturizing skin cream…
4.) Peruse the inventory before you make any purchases from this shop. You don’t want to be blindfolded when you discover she’s into sharp objects.
5.) If you try this at home and find it’s awesome; go ask an expert. Sex shops will be able to learn you some things about this activity and match you with items that suit your comfort.
6.) Finally, don’t do anything you don’t want to do! IF YOU DON’T WANT TO TRY BONDAGE… DON’T LET S/HE TALK YOU INTO IT!
Basically you need to communicate. If you want Bondage and your partner does not, then you need to talk about that shit! Maybe your partner is willing to compromise. Maybe you need to have that need fulfilled somewhere else. If your partner is open there are people and places that will barter with you; you give them money and they tie you down and whip you while you think about them naked. Maybe your girlfriend/boyfriend would rather you pay for it than have it be them. Not really the thing we want to advocate, but definitely an option for informed adults making informed decisions about their Sexualities.
Tip #11
While food play may seem like a good idea, be very careful when food is near the Vagina. Changes in the pH of the Vagina can lead to things living in there, and those roses really smell like poo-poo-poo.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Kiss me through the phone...
Here's the deal dudes and dudettes:
Phone Sex is AWESOME! There is nothing more exciting than sitting alone in your room (or in a crowded public bathroom) and talking dirty to someone through your cellphone. Unless you are sitting alone in your room (or on a crowded Greyhound bus) and talking dirty to someone through your cellphone AND touching yourself. Hell yeah. HELL YEAH!
Here's the step by step instructions on how to have phone sex, in the form of an actual phone sex conversation I had today at Sonic immediately before making this post:
Me: Hey girl, how you doin?
Girl: Oh, I'm fine. I bought some shoes today!
Me: Baby, tell me what you're wearing.
Girl: Oooh, I've got on lacy thigh-highs and a sexy bustier.
Me: Girl you know I want to get you up outta that outfit.
Girl: Oh, really?
Me: Yeah really, girl I wanna getcha naked.
Girl: What would we do then?
Me: First I start off kissin' on you.
Girl: Ooh, do I get to kiss you back?
Me: You can't baby.
Girl: Why not?
Me: Your hands are gently tied to the bed posts.
Girl: Ooh, do I get a blindfold?
Me: Yeah girl, and that means I can kiss every inch of your delicious body.
You can see where this is going. These two people are about to have a great night. One of these people even made the Sonic employees VERY uncomfortable. Step 1, find a person who won't be mad if you talk dirty with them. Step 2, talk dirty to them over the phone. Step 3, reach orgasm. Step 4, rinse and repeat.
You'll be having the best platonic-yet-sexual long-distance relationship you've ever had in no time!
Tip #10
Ignore sex advice blog posts on April Fool's day.
Phone Sex is AWESOME! There is nothing more exciting than sitting alone in your room (or in a crowded public bathroom) and talking dirty to someone through your cellphone. Unless you are sitting alone in your room (or on a crowded Greyhound bus) and talking dirty to someone through your cellphone AND touching yourself. Hell yeah. HELL YEAH!
Here's the step by step instructions on how to have phone sex, in the form of an actual phone sex conversation I had today at Sonic immediately before making this post:
Me: Hey girl, how you doin?
Girl: Oh, I'm fine. I bought some shoes today!
Me: Baby, tell me what you're wearing.
Girl: Oooh, I've got on lacy thigh-highs and a sexy bustier.
Me: Girl you know I want to get you up outta that outfit.
Girl: Oh, really?
Me: Yeah really, girl I wanna getcha naked.
Girl: What would we do then?
Me: First I start off kissin' on you.
Girl: Ooh, do I get to kiss you back?
Me: You can't baby.
Girl: Why not?
Me: Your hands are gently tied to the bed posts.
Girl: Ooh, do I get a blindfold?
Me: Yeah girl, and that means I can kiss every inch of your delicious body.
You can see where this is going. These two people are about to have a great night. One of these people even made the Sonic employees VERY uncomfortable. Step 1, find a person who won't be mad if you talk dirty with them. Step 2, talk dirty to them over the phone. Step 3, reach orgasm. Step 4, rinse and repeat.
You'll be having the best platonic-yet-sexual long-distance relationship you've ever had in no time!
Tip #10
Ignore sex advice blog posts on April Fool's day.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Oh the places you'll go...
"So... My boyfriend and I are looking for a place to go. Our suitemates are keeping us from either of our rooms. It's also kind of raining, so we can't go outside... I wish there was a mobile thing I could use to hook up with someone."
Darlin' you've got a car, Just Dance, it'll be okay.
Sometimes people get bored of beds. Today we have a brief announcement in stead of a longer post: Cars/Trucks/Busses/Vans are all fantastic ways to change the scenery!
Tip #9
Handcuffs are metal... ouch... buy soft rope instead!
Darlin' you've got a car, Just Dance, it'll be okay.
Sometimes people get bored of beds. Today we have a brief announcement in stead of a longer post: Cars/Trucks/Busses/Vans are all fantastic ways to change the scenery!
Tip #9
Handcuffs are metal... ouch... buy soft rope instead!
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Feelin' Alright
Seems I got to have a change of scene, cause every night I have the strangest dreams... Dreams of having Sex with someone I don't hate.
Here's the deal my friends, my peers, my fellow Sexually Active Adults: Sex is emotional. It can be a beautiful, motivational, spiritual, amazing thing. It can also SEEM to be all those things. A relationship ends... and all of the sudden you realize: "Hey, I don't really like that person, I never really liked that person!"
That's okay. A huge part of Sexual Health is emotional health. If you are going to be Sexually Active then you have to be prepared to be hurt in deeper and more meaningful ways than you can be hurt by someone with whom you are not having Sex.
Counseling Services on the Mountain is free. If you need, go talk to someone objectively about the decisions you've made about your Sexuality. There doesn't have to be anything wrong to talk to a mental healthcare professional. There ISN'T anything wrong with you if you are torn up over some boy/girl who you now have a strained relationship with because of Sex.
When it's over? That's the time you fall in love again.
Tip #8:
When manually stimulating a woman you can use the ring and middle fingers inside the Vagina to massage the G-Spot as your thumb gently (unless she says "Harder") rubs the Clitoris. Women LOVE it if you do things that make their Clitoris feel good. Ya know, if it's consensual!
Here's the deal my friends, my peers, my fellow Sexually Active Adults: Sex is emotional. It can be a beautiful, motivational, spiritual, amazing thing. It can also SEEM to be all those things. A relationship ends... and all of the sudden you realize: "Hey, I don't really like that person, I never really liked that person!"
That's okay. A huge part of Sexual Health is emotional health. If you are going to be Sexually Active then you have to be prepared to be hurt in deeper and more meaningful ways than you can be hurt by someone with whom you are not having Sex.
Counseling Services on the Mountain is free. If you need, go talk to someone objectively about the decisions you've made about your Sexuality. There doesn't have to be anything wrong to talk to a mental healthcare professional. There ISN'T anything wrong with you if you are torn up over some boy/girl who you now have a strained relationship with because of Sex.
When it's over? That's the time you fall in love again.
Tip #8:
When manually stimulating a woman you can use the ring and middle fingers inside the Vagina to massage the G-Spot as your thumb gently (unless she says "Harder") rubs the Clitoris. Women LOVE it if you do things that make their Clitoris feel good. Ya know, if it's consensual!
Monday, March 23, 2009
Umm... what's this bump? And why does it smell like a fishstick factory?
During high school, I was taught by my biology teacher to not have sex because it would lead to horrible horrible diseases that would make my genitalia look like a mushroom farm. At least, that’s what the pictures that he showed right before our lunch period implied. I’m writing this during lunch. It’s making me not want to eat. And to this day, my genitalia becoming like those pictures is what I fear most from a sexual experience. And babies. So I’ve developed an easy system of protecting myself.
It should be noted that the best way to protect one’s self from STIs and funny smells in and around your penis/vagina area is ABSTINENCE. If you don’t have sex, it’s really really really difficult to get Sexually Transmitted Infections. Not impossible, but überdifficult. Staying away from dirty needles helps too.
Okay, so that system is tripartite, or — for those who like small words — in three parts:
1) Be Selective. Find someone to have sex with that you know. You should probably be attracted to them. You should be comfortable enough to ask them silly but crucial questions like “do you have the clap?” And you should ask those questions.
2) Be Safe. Wear a condom. Birth control pills don't protect against disease, and if you aren't having heterosexual sex they don't really apply anyway. If there is no penetration occurring, use a dental dam. Which could just be a modified condom.
3) Be Smart. Get tested every six months. If you're in a relationship, make sure your partner(s) is/are tested. Do it. There are 132 free or cheap STD Testing sites in the state of Tennessee (eg. here and here). It's also offered at Health Services (x1270) (but I have a healthy distrust of the system, so I get checked in my hometown). It's confidential and TennCare will pay for it if you're a resident of Tennessee.
Follow these steps, and you'll be a cleaner better lover.
Tip #7:
Sex is a natural anti-histamine. So if you and your partner are both sick (i.e. can't give each other what you both already have) have sex, you'll breathe better.
Also, to the music thing from a couple posts ago: Jamiroquai solves all problems.
It should be noted that the best way to protect one’s self from STIs and funny smells in and around your penis/vagina area is ABSTINENCE. If you don’t have sex, it’s really really really difficult to get Sexually Transmitted Infections. Not impossible, but überdifficult. Staying away from dirty needles helps too.
Okay, so that system is tripartite, or — for those who like small words — in three parts:
1) Be Selective. Find someone to have sex with that you know. You should probably be attracted to them. You should be comfortable enough to ask them silly but crucial questions like “do you have the clap?” And you should ask those questions.
2) Be Safe. Wear a condom. Birth control pills don't protect against disease, and if you aren't having heterosexual sex they don't really apply anyway. If there is no penetration occurring, use a dental dam. Which could just be a modified condom.
3) Be Smart. Get tested every six months. If you're in a relationship, make sure your partner(s) is/are tested. Do it. There are 132 free or cheap STD Testing sites in the state of Tennessee (eg. here and here). It's also offered at Health Services (x1270) (but I have a healthy distrust of the system, so I get checked in my hometown). It's confidential and TennCare will pay for it if you're a resident of Tennessee.
Follow these steps, and you'll be a cleaner better lover.
Tip #7:
Sex is a natural anti-histamine. So if you and your partner are both sick (i.e. can't give each other what you both already have) have sex, you'll breathe better.
Also, to the music thing from a couple posts ago: Jamiroquai solves all problems.
Friday, March 20, 2009
So you wanna make love in this club?
DISCLAIMER: The following is fool-proof instructions for having decent-to-freaking-awesome Heterosexual Sexual Intercourse with someone who wants to have Sex with you. These descriptions are incomplete. You should change things to fit your needs (or ya know… what your partner wants) but there is no amount of witch-craft that will make someone sleep with you. They have to already kinda be into you.
DISCLAIMER 2: There are a lot of “…” in this post… deal with it…
Step 1: Cut a hole in the box.
Better step 1: Choose someone with whom you want to have Sex. If you don’t believe there’s anything wrong with sleeping with strangers… be my guest. It’s none of our business. The Guide does pretty clearly believe you’ll enjoy your Sexual Encounters more if you care about the person you are encountering. That’s why Step 1 is here.
Step 2: Let them know you are interested! You see her winding, and grinding up on that pole. You know she sees you looking at her and she already knows…. That may work for Akon, but dude/dudette you ain’t no Akon. If you haven’t said “I’m physically attracted to you” or something that means the same thing… chances are they don’t know.
Step 3: If they are also interested: spend time with them! You have a lot of questions to ask now! Do they have AIDS? Have they had Sex before? Are they married to some girl from out of state? He can be the hottest guy ever and casually forget to mention the Chlamydia. Half of all 21 year olds in the United States have had a Sexual Transmitted Disease…. You are ostensibly two people, you and your partner, so statistically one of you has had something. KNOW BEFORE YOU ‘GO’ BRO!
WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS
Now the juicy part… hehe… juicy….
You’re back at his/her place (or car, forest, academic building, elevator, cemetery, gym, football field, friend’s room, friend’s bed, sorority, fraternity, bathroom, shower, theatre, hallway, attic, rooftop, Vice Chancellors lawn… wherever) now you can just rip of his/her clothes and go at it like a caveman right? WRONG.
Kissing is usually first. There are lots of fun ways to kiss. You might open your mouth. You might suck on his/her tongue. You might gently bite his/her lower lip and run your tongue along it at the same time (my personal favourite kiss ever). Try kissing his/her neck, ear, collar bone, chest, belly button, or hip. Maybe you’d like to suck on his/her nipple. Some boys enjoy that as much as girls do. One of those boys is writing these instructions. Periodically ask if what you are doing is okay, or if they’d like you to do something else. It’s his/her body… they have an idea of what they’d like. So do you for that matter! Gently suggest (verbally) that they kiss or touch you the way you’d like.
Kissing can lead to three things:
1.) Oral Sex
2.) Sexual Intercourse
3.) Nothing
We have no instructions for #3. If your partner doesn’t want to have Sex after the kissing… You’re going to have to deal with it. It’s better to respect someone than it is to be charged with Rape.
We’ll skip instructions on #1. Why? Because our rival blog has some moderately good instructions on this step. Ladies might be inclined to disregard some of the Blowjob instructions if one of the MSG writers is your partner. Please.
#2: Sexual Intercourse:
Condom? Check!
Willing Partner? Check!
Insert Tab A into slot B!
If it’s the girl’s first time you’re going to be going slowly. Keep asking if it’s alright if you are the boy, keep telling him whether or not it hurts if you are the girl.
How deep do you go?
Women can only feel the lower part of their Vagina. At some point the Penis is too long for it to be doing anything for her when you penetrate deeper. Some girls like it anyway. Some girls don’t. Find the place where the girl is comfortable. The ONLY reason to have a full Penis penetrating is that the boy has a pelvis. This pelvis is a bone covered in skin and fur and can press against the Clitoris. Awesome! If the girl doesn’t want that… don’t do it!
How fast do you go?
Speed should be variable. Ladies, if he slows down it’s probably him trying to last longer. Dudes, if she slows down it’s probably her trying to get to into a certain rhythm or place. The Mountain Sexvival Guide is a little bit sexist on this point: Her Vagina is sensitive. His Penis is much less sensitive. Ergo, the woman has a bigger say in placement and tempo is she wants. If she wants? Yes. The woman might want to be surprised, this is the reason the speed changes. Sex is supposed to be fun, not monotonous.
How long should it take?
Did you both finish? Yeah, exactly that long. Do you both want to do it again? It’ll take a different amount of time, and it should be exactly that long. Are you having a quickie in between classes? Chances are only one (if either) of you are going to finish. That’s okay as long as that’s the deal you worked out. If one of you is disappointed, bring up that you think it could be longer(shorter). You don’t have to be mean, but you shouldn’t be unhappy after Sex. If you are both happy, you did it right. Turn off your egg-timers.
How often should we have Sex?
Which of you wants to have Sex the least number of times in a week. Yeah, go with that number. If you are an every day kinda person, and they are a maybe once a month kinda person… either deal with it or find someone else. Sex isn’t the most important thing, but if you want to have Sex 365 times in a year… 11-12 isn’t going to be good enough. And don’t wait until you are in therapy for being Suicidal before you decide to end that relationship (seriously, because wanting to cut yourself doesn’t make you sexier… it makes her get a puppy to play with instead of you).
How do I know if I’m any good?
My personal experience… not from the Guide… is that Sex is better every single time. There’ve only been one or two times when I thought: yeah that was pretty sub-par. EVERY one of those times it has been my performance that I was uncomfortable with. Meaning… Ladies… keep up the good work. If you both got off and seem happy, thank them. “Oh God, whew… I am out of breath… thank you” whispered into your ear is awesome. It’s positive feedback for him/her, and they need it, because they also wonder if it was okay for you. He/She will in turn say something he/she feels. My bet is it’ll be a compliment. Your partner DID just get laid. Dudes, if you have questions about your performance, just tell her you want to please her and that she should tell you what she wants. Most people are okay at Sex. There’s 6,000,000,000 people on the face of the planet. There wouldn’t be so many people if Sex wasn’t fun!
If want more detailed instructions, please feel free to email us: MountainSexGuide@gmail.com
Tip #6
Language can turn someone on or off quickly. Do you want to give him a Blowjob? Maybe he’d prefer “being in your mouth.” Do you love the way her Pussy tastes? She might find that demeaning, the Vagina already has a name.
DISCLAIMER 2: There are a lot of “…” in this post… deal with it…
Step 1: Cut a hole in the box.
Better step 1: Choose someone with whom you want to have Sex. If you don’t believe there’s anything wrong with sleeping with strangers… be my guest. It’s none of our business. The Guide does pretty clearly believe you’ll enjoy your Sexual Encounters more if you care about the person you are encountering. That’s why Step 1 is here.
Step 2: Let them know you are interested! You see her winding, and grinding up on that pole. You know she sees you looking at her and she already knows…. That may work for Akon, but dude/dudette you ain’t no Akon. If you haven’t said “I’m physically attracted to you” or something that means the same thing… chances are they don’t know.
Step 3: If they are also interested: spend time with them! You have a lot of questions to ask now! Do they have AIDS? Have they had Sex before? Are they married to some girl from out of state? He can be the hottest guy ever and casually forget to mention the Chlamydia. Half of all 21 year olds in the United States have had a Sexual Transmitted Disease…. You are ostensibly two people, you and your partner, so statistically one of you has had something. KNOW BEFORE YOU ‘GO’ BRO!
WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS
Now the juicy part… hehe… juicy….
You’re back at his/her place (or car, forest, academic building, elevator, cemetery, gym, football field, friend’s room, friend’s bed, sorority, fraternity, bathroom, shower, theatre, hallway, attic, rooftop, Vice Chancellors lawn… wherever) now you can just rip of his/her clothes and go at it like a caveman right? WRONG.
Kissing is usually first. There are lots of fun ways to kiss. You might open your mouth. You might suck on his/her tongue. You might gently bite his/her lower lip and run your tongue along it at the same time (my personal favourite kiss ever). Try kissing his/her neck, ear, collar bone, chest, belly button, or hip. Maybe you’d like to suck on his/her nipple. Some boys enjoy that as much as girls do. One of those boys is writing these instructions. Periodically ask if what you are doing is okay, or if they’d like you to do something else. It’s his/her body… they have an idea of what they’d like. So do you for that matter! Gently suggest (verbally) that they kiss or touch you the way you’d like.
Kissing can lead to three things:
1.) Oral Sex
2.) Sexual Intercourse
3.) Nothing
We have no instructions for #3. If your partner doesn’t want to have Sex after the kissing… You’re going to have to deal with it. It’s better to respect someone than it is to be charged with Rape.
We’ll skip instructions on #1. Why? Because our rival blog has some moderately good instructions on this step. Ladies might be inclined to disregard some of the Blowjob instructions if one of the MSG writers is your partner. Please.
#2: Sexual Intercourse:
Condom? Check!
Willing Partner? Check!
Insert Tab A into slot B!
If it’s the girl’s first time you’re going to be going slowly. Keep asking if it’s alright if you are the boy, keep telling him whether or not it hurts if you are the girl.
How deep do you go?
Women can only feel the lower part of their Vagina. At some point the Penis is too long for it to be doing anything for her when you penetrate deeper. Some girls like it anyway. Some girls don’t. Find the place where the girl is comfortable. The ONLY reason to have a full Penis penetrating is that the boy has a pelvis. This pelvis is a bone covered in skin and fur and can press against the Clitoris. Awesome! If the girl doesn’t want that… don’t do it!
How fast do you go?
Speed should be variable. Ladies, if he slows down it’s probably him trying to last longer. Dudes, if she slows down it’s probably her trying to get to into a certain rhythm or place. The Mountain Sexvival Guide is a little bit sexist on this point: Her Vagina is sensitive. His Penis is much less sensitive. Ergo, the woman has a bigger say in placement and tempo is she wants. If she wants? Yes. The woman might want to be surprised, this is the reason the speed changes. Sex is supposed to be fun, not monotonous.
How long should it take?
Did you both finish? Yeah, exactly that long. Do you both want to do it again? It’ll take a different amount of time, and it should be exactly that long. Are you having a quickie in between classes? Chances are only one (if either) of you are going to finish. That’s okay as long as that’s the deal you worked out. If one of you is disappointed, bring up that you think it could be longer(shorter). You don’t have to be mean, but you shouldn’t be unhappy after Sex. If you are both happy, you did it right. Turn off your egg-timers.
How often should we have Sex?
Which of you wants to have Sex the least number of times in a week. Yeah, go with that number. If you are an every day kinda person, and they are a maybe once a month kinda person… either deal with it or find someone else. Sex isn’t the most important thing, but if you want to have Sex 365 times in a year… 11-12 isn’t going to be good enough. And don’t wait until you are in therapy for being Suicidal before you decide to end that relationship (seriously, because wanting to cut yourself doesn’t make you sexier… it makes her get a puppy to play with instead of you).
How do I know if I’m any good?
My personal experience… not from the Guide… is that Sex is better every single time. There’ve only been one or two times when I thought: yeah that was pretty sub-par. EVERY one of those times it has been my performance that I was uncomfortable with. Meaning… Ladies… keep up the good work. If you both got off and seem happy, thank them. “Oh God, whew… I am out of breath… thank you” whispered into your ear is awesome. It’s positive feedback for him/her, and they need it, because they also wonder if it was okay for you. He/She will in turn say something he/she feels. My bet is it’ll be a compliment. Your partner DID just get laid. Dudes, if you have questions about your performance, just tell her you want to please her and that she should tell you what she wants. Most people are okay at Sex. There’s 6,000,000,000 people on the face of the planet. There wouldn’t be so many people if Sex wasn’t fun!
If want more detailed instructions, please feel free to email us: MountainSexGuide@gmail.com
Tip #6
Language can turn someone on or off quickly. Do you want to give him a Blowjob? Maybe he’d prefer “being in your mouth.” Do you love the way her Pussy tastes? She might find that demeaning, the Vagina already has a name.
Friday, March 13, 2009
I believe in a thing called Love
Just listen to the rhythm of your heart. There’s no reason that Sex should mean “Love.” It doesn’t for all people. Sex doesn’t actually mean Love for most people. One of our writers is willing to go the sexist mile and say: Guys don’t think Sex and Love are related nearly as often as girls. I’m hungry, ergo I want to eat. I’m horny, ergo I want to screw. This question of Love and Sex is a good reason we always advocate talking about Sex with your partner about what it means to him/her. You should be in Love with people you have Sex with if you want to be in Love with someone before you have Sex with him/her. The Guide clearly states: Do not ever compromise your values for some boy/girl who wants to jump your bones. But, if your libido isn’t interested in receiving flowers and sonnets.... the MSG says you should still love your partner.
There is a basic amount of human respect that you show to someone by having Sex with him/her. There is a reason people refer to that act as “Making Love.” Our staff doesn’t think you have to be in Love. Our staff doesn’t even think you have to like someone very much. Our staff agrees that if you are having Sex with someone, he/she deserves the kind of respect, consideration, and love you want to be shown.
This is from a pretty long section of the Guide that relates to language. This is all to say: don’t give Sexual favors. You’re an adult. If you engage in any Sexual act with any other adult... you should ONLY do so because that’s what you WANT. Believe in that thing called love, and use it to decide what you’re going to do with that hook-up. It’s fine if you want to go down on a guy because he’ll reciprocate that act. It’s fine that you want to trade some aspect or moment of your Sexuality in order to receive something similar from that girl you think is cute. It’s not a favor. There is nothing wrong with someone deciding they DON’T want to do something to you after you did it to him/her. We all have the Right to decide what we will and will not do. The way we talk about Sex helps to shape how we feel about Sex.
So stop calling it a favor! Go out and use those Sexcapades instructions (please don’t if you are someone at risk of performing Oral Sex on my penis) to give Oral Sex. A Gift... feels way better than a favor.
Tip #5
Sex already IS a soundtrack... ask about music beforehand, because maybe s/he doesn't want to listen to Deathcab or David Bowie while s/he's trying to be intimate.
There is a basic amount of human respect that you show to someone by having Sex with him/her. There is a reason people refer to that act as “Making Love.” Our staff doesn’t think you have to be in Love. Our staff doesn’t even think you have to like someone very much. Our staff agrees that if you are having Sex with someone, he/she deserves the kind of respect, consideration, and love you want to be shown.
This is from a pretty long section of the Guide that relates to language. This is all to say: don’t give Sexual favors. You’re an adult. If you engage in any Sexual act with any other adult... you should ONLY do so because that’s what you WANT. Believe in that thing called love, and use it to decide what you’re going to do with that hook-up. It’s fine if you want to go down on a guy because he’ll reciprocate that act. It’s fine that you want to trade some aspect or moment of your Sexuality in order to receive something similar from that girl you think is cute. It’s not a favor. There is nothing wrong with someone deciding they DON’T want to do something to you after you did it to him/her. We all have the Right to decide what we will and will not do. The way we talk about Sex helps to shape how we feel about Sex.
So stop calling it a favor! Go out and use those Sexcapades instructions (please don’t if you are someone at risk of performing Oral Sex on my penis) to give Oral Sex. A Gift... feels way better than a favor.
Tip #5
Sex already IS a soundtrack... ask about music beforehand, because maybe s/he doesn't want to listen to Deathcab or David Bowie while s/he's trying to be intimate.
Everyone's favorite Staind song...
Sorry it’s been a while since we posted anything. One of us just comped, and the other was... doing other things I guess! Our rivals have posted two interesting instruction manuals while we’ve been away. The first was a “How To” about giving Oral Sex to a woman, and I agreed with most of it. The second was a “How To” about giving Oral Sex to a man, and I disagree with most of it. In response, we’re pulling out the archives at the back of The Mountain Sexvival Guide and bringing you a “Spring Break: How To Sex” which you can look forward to next Monday or Tuesday!
You can also look forward to the next several minutes as we upload our most recent advice, hot off the press... of the internet...
Tip # 4:
Good Sex starts before the first kiss. Good hygiene is an important aspect of your sex life. If you don't believe us... ask your partner.
You can also look forward to the next several minutes as we upload our most recent advice, hot off the press... of the internet...
Tip # 4:
Good Sex starts before the first kiss. Good hygiene is an important aspect of your sex life. If you don't believe us... ask your partner.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
V-Day
This past Saturday was Valentine's Day. For many, it was a time for romance, being with a significant other. To at least one MSG writer, it means having sex for the first time in a while. For some, it means writing and receiving Valentine's cards. Which reminds me of what I'm going to write about today: V-Cards.
I lost mine when I was 17. I didn't actually lose it, that would imply passivity. I'm pretty sure I actively tried to give it up. Many people lose theirs, according to legend, the night of Prom. According to a recent study, the average age of first sexual intercourse is 16.9 for men and 17.4 for women. I talk of high school students, but this doesn't deny that Sewanee has its fair share of virgins.
WARNING: History Sidenote Ahead
The connotation that surrounds people who are identified as virgins, like everything, is couched in history. Virginity has been equated with chastity, immaculateness. Women were saved by their families until marriage as a gift to the husband. This in itself is a vestige of the commodification of women. Whether this had a practical role (quelling the spread of STIs, for instance) is debatable, but we do know is that this concept has become gendered. Men were not party to this system of forced abstinence. They could and frequently did sleep around. Because of this: male chastity is rarely applauded (See: Jonas Brothers), and female chastity is encouraged, revered. There is much more, but I wouldn't want to bog you down.
END: History Sidenote
This gendered concept breeds some problems. At Sewanee, this means that women deal with the virgin/whore complex.
Men have a similar struggle.
So, how do the illustrious writers at MSG suggest you bridge this gap?
By waiting until you are ready. It is up to you to identify when this is. Don't listen to anyone else. If they're pressuring you, they have no real motives. Weigh the pros and cons. Yes, sex is fun. Are you missing out on something? Or are you protecting yourself? Would your morality be compromised by having sex? My personal answers to these questions are: Yes, Yes, and No. But yours may well be different.
If you do decide that an active sexual lifestyle is right for you, there are a few guidelines you should follow for your first experience:
1) Know yourself. Masturbation is a useful tool in knowing about what helps you get off (more to come on that subject later).
2) Don't be drunk. A few drinks, maybe, but page 15 of the Mountain Sexvival Guide clearly outlines the perils of drunken sex (inability to perform, bad judgment in partners/sex acts, dulled feelings, wicked hangovers).
3) Find a partner who cares — not someone you just met. Maybe this person, too, is a virgin; you can learn together. Maybe this person is more experienced; the better to make your experience comfortable and pleasurable. It's hard to let down your guard around someone you don't trust. It is important to be vulnerable during sex, so trust is key.
4) Share assumptions with your partner. Let them know that you've never done it before. Make sure they understand what you both want out of this situation: a one-time deal, something repeated, a relationship?
5) Wear protection. Condoms and dental dams are the most reliable protection against STIs, outside of abstinence. The Pill is not 100% effective and babies may not be in your immediate plan. Be Safe.
6) Don't expect the Holy Grail the first time around. There is a cult built around sex. Don't set your expectations too high. First times are often uncomfortable or just weird.
7) Communicate. You can mitigate number six pretty well by talking to your partner. Tell them when they're doing something wrong, tell them what's right. Ask them to do the same for you.
8) Experiment a little. You won't know until you try. Take baby steps.
9) Try again. And again. And again. Not every time will be great, but sex can always be better. You won't regret it.
Or never have sex. Maybe you think penises and vaginae, like the plural of the word "vagina", are weird. Maybe you're a hypochondriac and STIs scare you.
Or, you can wait. Sex within a committed monogamous relationship is the safest way to prevent getting an STI while remaining sexually active. The above rules would also be useful within these contexts.
Tip #3: Who the hell came up with "significant other." That is the most insignificant designation. Never call someone significant. It's the relationship equivalent of "interesting." If anything, they are your "other."
I lost mine when I was 17. I didn't actually lose it, that would imply passivity. I'm pretty sure I actively tried to give it up. Many people lose theirs, according to legend, the night of Prom. According to a recent study, the average age of first sexual intercourse is 16.9 for men and 17.4 for women. I talk of high school students, but this doesn't deny that Sewanee has its fair share of virgins.
WARNING: History Sidenote Ahead
The connotation that surrounds people who are identified as virgins, like everything, is couched in history. Virginity has been equated with chastity, immaculateness. Women were saved by their families until marriage as a gift to the husband. This in itself is a vestige of the commodification of women. Whether this had a practical role (quelling the spread of STIs, for instance) is debatable, but we do know is that this concept has become gendered. Men were not party to this system of forced abstinence. They could and frequently did sleep around. Because of this: male chastity is rarely applauded (See: Jonas Brothers), and female chastity is encouraged, revered. There is much more, but I wouldn't want to bog you down.
END: History Sidenote
This gendered concept breeds some problems. At Sewanee, this means that women deal with the virgin/whore complex.
I want to save myself for marriage. I'm sure my husband would love me more if I gave myself to him on our wedding night. But. Everyone else is having sex. I should have sex, maybe it would make people like me more. Maybe then I could find a mate. Maybe I should just get really drunk and let it happenNow this obviously simplifies it (not to mention distilling Sewanee women to amorphous straight husband seekers). But the struggle — active or passive — exists.
Men have a similar struggle.
I want to save myself for marriage. It's the moral thing to do. But everyone says that I should have sex. It's kind of a passive thing, but I feel pressured to go through with it. Maybe I should just get really drunk and let it happen.
So, how do the illustrious writers at MSG suggest you bridge this gap?
By waiting until you are ready. It is up to you to identify when this is. Don't listen to anyone else. If they're pressuring you, they have no real motives. Weigh the pros and cons. Yes, sex is fun. Are you missing out on something? Or are you protecting yourself? Would your morality be compromised by having sex? My personal answers to these questions are: Yes, Yes, and No. But yours may well be different.
If you do decide that an active sexual lifestyle is right for you, there are a few guidelines you should follow for your first experience:
1) Know yourself. Masturbation is a useful tool in knowing about what helps you get off (more to come on that subject later).
2) Don't be drunk. A few drinks, maybe, but page 15 of the Mountain Sexvival Guide clearly outlines the perils of drunken sex (inability to perform, bad judgment in partners/sex acts, dulled feelings, wicked hangovers).
3) Find a partner who cares — not someone you just met. Maybe this person, too, is a virgin; you can learn together. Maybe this person is more experienced; the better to make your experience comfortable and pleasurable. It's hard to let down your guard around someone you don't trust. It is important to be vulnerable during sex, so trust is key.
4) Share assumptions with your partner. Let them know that you've never done it before. Make sure they understand what you both want out of this situation: a one-time deal, something repeated, a relationship?
5) Wear protection. Condoms and dental dams are the most reliable protection against STIs, outside of abstinence. The Pill is not 100% effective and babies may not be in your immediate plan. Be Safe.
6) Don't expect the Holy Grail the first time around. There is a cult built around sex. Don't set your expectations too high. First times are often uncomfortable or just weird.
7) Communicate. You can mitigate number six pretty well by talking to your partner. Tell them when they're doing something wrong, tell them what's right. Ask them to do the same for you.
8) Experiment a little. You won't know until you try. Take baby steps.
9) Try again. And again. And again. Not every time will be great, but sex can always be better. You won't regret it.
Or never have sex. Maybe you think penises and vaginae, like the plural of the word "vagina", are weird. Maybe you're a hypochondriac and STIs scare you.
Or, you can wait. Sex within a committed monogamous relationship is the safest way to prevent getting an STI while remaining sexually active. The above rules would also be useful within these contexts.
Tip #3: Who the hell came up with "significant other." That is the most insignificant designation. Never call someone significant. It's the relationship equivalent of "interesting." If anything, they are your "other."
Friday, February 13, 2009
Polyamory and Other Knowledge Your Brain Needs!
The following Sex advice is additionally applicable in non-sexual or non-romantic relationships.
Page 1 of the Mountain Sexvival Guide begins with the words "Never trust a woman." These are followed immediately by the words "Never trust a man." Page 2 is mostly an explanation of how Page 1 is predicated on the false notion that there are only two genders. We’re saving that topic for a special occasion. We’ll stick to page 1.
The reason the Guide begins by admonishing the trustworthiness of Women and Men is that assumptions about your partner are always wrong. It is not just that Men and Women have different perspectives on Sex… it’s that every person on the face of the planet feels differently about Sex and sexuality. You cannot trust the person you are sleeping with to feel what you feel. You can trust that you don’t understand their objective or aspirations. This brings us to Salt-N-Pepa. Let’s talk about Sex baby.
Some people think Sex is just for fun. Some people think Sex is a way of marking territory. Some people think Sex is a way to have power or control. Some people believe Sex is the ultimate expression of Love. One of our writers thinks Sex is the only fuel for creativity, and thus a necessary component of making Art. The Guide strongly recommends people know why they have, or want to have, sexual relationships. Once you know, you can talk about it. Sewanee will be a friendlier place if you can talk about Sex.
Many of the people on this Mountain engage in Polyamory. That’s when you have multiple “open relationships” at once. They don’t all call it that, but it’s the name for Susan repeatedly hooking up with Tom over a couple weekends while having Sex regularly with Dave. It’s none of our business what Susan does, but chances are she hasn’t told Dave or Tom.
Even if Susan said “Dave, I’m not ready to be in a relationship, I’d like this to be commitment free.” Dave hears “Susan wants some space to do her own thing.” Susan meant “I want some space to do you and Tom without any guilt.”
Don’t settle for vague. If you are going to have sex with someone… ask them what it means to them. Ask them what your relationship means. Ask often. Don’t be afraid to ruin the moment. If you need to un-ruin the moment after these questions suck on their index finger. Shwabam! New moment. Be prepared for their answers to differ from your own. Lastly, have your own answers to those questions. Your brain needs all that knowledge to make the healthiest decisions about Sex.
Signing Out.
Tip #2
It’s not gay to have sex with another boy (girl). It’s gay to want to have sex with another boy (girl). You’ll be who you are regardless of what (who) you do.
Page 1 of the Mountain Sexvival Guide begins with the words "Never trust a woman." These are followed immediately by the words "Never trust a man." Page 2 is mostly an explanation of how Page 1 is predicated on the false notion that there are only two genders. We’re saving that topic for a special occasion. We’ll stick to page 1.
The reason the Guide begins by admonishing the trustworthiness of Women and Men is that assumptions about your partner are always wrong. It is not just that Men and Women have different perspectives on Sex… it’s that every person on the face of the planet feels differently about Sex and sexuality. You cannot trust the person you are sleeping with to feel what you feel. You can trust that you don’t understand their objective or aspirations. This brings us to Salt-N-Pepa. Let’s talk about Sex baby.
Some people think Sex is just for fun. Some people think Sex is a way of marking territory. Some people think Sex is a way to have power or control. Some people believe Sex is the ultimate expression of Love. One of our writers thinks Sex is the only fuel for creativity, and thus a necessary component of making Art. The Guide strongly recommends people know why they have, or want to have, sexual relationships. Once you know, you can talk about it. Sewanee will be a friendlier place if you can talk about Sex.
Many of the people on this Mountain engage in Polyamory. That’s when you have multiple “open relationships” at once. They don’t all call it that, but it’s the name for Susan repeatedly hooking up with Tom over a couple weekends while having Sex regularly with Dave. It’s none of our business what Susan does, but chances are she hasn’t told Dave or Tom.
Even if Susan said “Dave, I’m not ready to be in a relationship, I’d like this to be commitment free.” Dave hears “Susan wants some space to do her own thing.” Susan meant “I want some space to do you and Tom without any guilt.”
Don’t settle for vague. If you are going to have sex with someone… ask them what it means to them. Ask them what your relationship means. Ask often. Don’t be afraid to ruin the moment. If you need to un-ruin the moment after these questions suck on their index finger. Shwabam! New moment. Be prepared for their answers to differ from your own. Lastly, have your own answers to those questions. Your brain needs all that knowledge to make the healthiest decisions about Sex.
Signing Out.
Tip #2
It’s not gay to have sex with another boy (girl). It’s gay to want to have sex with another boy (girl). You’ll be who you are regardless of what (who) you do.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Theme Parties: I Wear My Sunglasses At Night
There is nothing to do on this mountain. Is it Wednesday night? Let's go to a fraternity house and drink. Thursday Night? Frat House and Drink. Friday? Frat Drunk! The only variety is when some Greek organization decides that their party will have a theme. Now you can dress up funny to do what you would have been doing anyway.
The heteronormative response of our rival blog is that "Pimps and Hos," as well as it's compatriot parties, expects women to dress like hussies while men basically wear class dress. But there's no reason that a woman can't go to that party like a Pimp. The Mountain Sexvival Guide clearly states on page 42 "Women who expect to be treated like objects will be treated like objects." If you are uncomfortable being nearly naked and definitely drunk, make a decision to dress differently, drink less, or party elsewhere. When you miss [insert name of friend] doing something really embarrassing or stupid, we promise he or she will do it again next week. Drunk lightning strikes the same place twice.
Speaking of drunk... Our staff at the Mountain Sexvival Guide are all on the same page: Sex is better sober. Having a drink or two can make things more interesting, can make things feel better, can make you more comfortable... but after a drink or two you can still drive. Right around the time your friends are taking your keys, they should probably lock up the chastity belt. You dudettes will have difficulty concentrating and it'll be less fun. You dudes will perform poorly and it'll be less fun. If you like having Sex, you should know the secret: It's supposed to be fun. If it's not fun... he/she won't be repeat customers.
Signing Out.
Tip #1 (Tips written in no particular order)
Protego! that wand before you explore her Chamber of Secrets.
The heteronormative response of our rival blog is that "Pimps and Hos," as well as it's compatriot parties, expects women to dress like hussies while men basically wear class dress. But there's no reason that a woman can't go to that party like a Pimp. The Mountain Sexvival Guide clearly states on page 42 "Women who expect to be treated like objects will be treated like objects." If you are uncomfortable being nearly naked and definitely drunk, make a decision to dress differently, drink less, or party elsewhere. When you miss [insert name of friend] doing something really embarrassing or stupid, we promise he or she will do it again next week. Drunk lightning strikes the same place twice.
Speaking of drunk... Our staff at the Mountain Sexvival Guide are all on the same page: Sex is better sober. Having a drink or two can make things more interesting, can make things feel better, can make you more comfortable... but after a drink or two you can still drive. Right around the time your friends are taking your keys, they should probably lock up the chastity belt. You dudettes will have difficulty concentrating and it'll be less fun. You dudes will perform poorly and it'll be less fun. If you like having Sex, you should know the secret: It's supposed to be fun. If it's not fun... he/she won't be repeat customers.
Signing Out.
Tip #1 (Tips written in no particular order)
Protego! that wand before you explore her Chamber of Secrets.
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