I lost mine when I was 17. I didn't actually lose it, that would imply passivity. I'm pretty sure I actively tried to give it up. Many people lose theirs, according to legend, the night of Prom. According to a recent study, the average age of first sexual intercourse is 16.9 for men and 17.4 for women. I talk of high school students, but this doesn't deny that Sewanee has its fair share of virgins.
WARNING: History Sidenote Ahead
The connotation that surrounds people who are identified as virgins, like everything, is couched in history. Virginity has been equated with chastity, immaculateness. Women were saved by their families until marriage as a gift to the husband. This in itself is a vestige of the commodification of women. Whether this had a practical role (quelling the spread of STIs, for instance) is debatable, but we do know is that this concept has become gendered. Men were not party to this system of forced abstinence. They could and frequently did sleep around. Because of this: male chastity is rarely applauded (See: Jonas Brothers), and female chastity is encouraged, revered. There is much more, but I wouldn't want to bog you down.
END: History Sidenote
This gendered concept breeds some problems. At Sewanee, this means that women deal with the virgin/whore complex.
I want to save myself for marriage. I'm sure my husband would love me more if I gave myself to him on our wedding night. But. Everyone else is having sex. I should have sex, maybe it would make people like me more. Maybe then I could find a mate. Maybe I should just get really drunk and let it happenNow this obviously simplifies it (not to mention distilling Sewanee women to amorphous straight husband seekers). But the struggle — active or passive — exists.
Men have a similar struggle.
I want to save myself for marriage. It's the moral thing to do. But everyone says that I should have sex. It's kind of a passive thing, but I feel pressured to go through with it. Maybe I should just get really drunk and let it happen.
So, how do the illustrious writers at MSG suggest you bridge this gap?
By waiting until you are ready. It is up to you to identify when this is. Don't listen to anyone else. If they're pressuring you, they have no real motives. Weigh the pros and cons. Yes, sex is fun. Are you missing out on something? Or are you protecting yourself? Would your morality be compromised by having sex? My personal answers to these questions are: Yes, Yes, and No. But yours may well be different.
If you do decide that an active sexual lifestyle is right for you, there are a few guidelines you should follow for your first experience:
1) Know yourself. Masturbation is a useful tool in knowing about what helps you get off (more to come on that subject later).
2) Don't be drunk. A few drinks, maybe, but page 15 of the Mountain Sexvival Guide clearly outlines the perils of drunken sex (inability to perform, bad judgment in partners/sex acts, dulled feelings, wicked hangovers).
3) Find a partner who cares — not someone you just met. Maybe this person, too, is a virgin; you can learn together. Maybe this person is more experienced; the better to make your experience comfortable and pleasurable. It's hard to let down your guard around someone you don't trust. It is important to be vulnerable during sex, so trust is key.
4) Share assumptions with your partner. Let them know that you've never done it before. Make sure they understand what you both want out of this situation: a one-time deal, something repeated, a relationship?
5) Wear protection. Condoms and dental dams are the most reliable protection against STIs, outside of abstinence. The Pill is not 100% effective and babies may not be in your immediate plan. Be Safe.
6) Don't expect the Holy Grail the first time around. There is a cult built around sex. Don't set your expectations too high. First times are often uncomfortable or just weird.
7) Communicate. You can mitigate number six pretty well by talking to your partner. Tell them when they're doing something wrong, tell them what's right. Ask them to do the same for you.
8) Experiment a little. You won't know until you try. Take baby steps.
9) Try again. And again. And again. Not every time will be great, but sex can always be better. You won't regret it.
Or never have sex. Maybe you think penises and vaginae, like the plural of the word "vagina", are weird. Maybe you're a hypochondriac and STIs scare you.
Or, you can wait. Sex within a committed monogamous relationship is the safest way to prevent getting an STI while remaining sexually active. The above rules would also be useful within these contexts.
Tip #3: Who the hell came up with "significant other." That is the most insignificant designation. Never call someone significant. It's the relationship equivalent of "interesting." If anything, they are your "other."
No comments:
Post a Comment