DISCLAIMER: The following is fool-proof instructions for having decent-to-freaking-awesome Heterosexual Sexual Intercourse with someone who wants to have Sex with you. These descriptions are incomplete. You should change things to fit your needs (or ya know… what your partner wants) but there is no amount of witch-craft that will make someone sleep with you. They have to already kinda be into you.
DISCLAIMER 2: There are a lot of “…” in this post… deal with it…
Step 1: Cut a hole in the box.
Better step 1: Choose someone with whom you want to have Sex. If you don’t believe there’s anything wrong with sleeping with strangers… be my guest. It’s none of our business. The Guide does pretty clearly believe you’ll enjoy your Sexual Encounters more if you care about the person you are encountering. That’s why Step 1 is here.
Step 2: Let them know you are interested! You see her winding, and grinding up on that pole. You know she sees you looking at her and she already knows…. That may work for Akon, but dude/dudette you ain’t no Akon. If you haven’t said “I’m physically attracted to you” or something that means the same thing… chances are they don’t know.
Step 3: If they are also interested: spend time with them! You have a lot of questions to ask now! Do they have AIDS? Have they had Sex before? Are they married to some girl from out of state? He can be the hottest guy ever and casually forget to mention the Chlamydia. Half of all 21 year olds in the United States have had a Sexual Transmitted Disease…. You are ostensibly two people, you and your partner, so statistically one of you has had something. KNOW BEFORE YOU ‘GO’ BRO!
WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS
Now the juicy part… hehe… juicy….
You’re back at his/her place (or car, forest, academic building, elevator, cemetery, gym, football field, friend’s room, friend’s bed, sorority, fraternity, bathroom, shower, theatre, hallway, attic, rooftop, Vice Chancellors lawn… wherever) now you can just rip of his/her clothes and go at it like a caveman right? WRONG.
Kissing is usually first. There are lots of fun ways to kiss. You might open your mouth. You might suck on his/her tongue. You might gently bite his/her lower lip and run your tongue along it at the same time (my personal favourite kiss ever). Try kissing his/her neck, ear, collar bone, chest, belly button, or hip. Maybe you’d like to suck on his/her nipple. Some boys enjoy that as much as girls do. One of those boys is writing these instructions. Periodically ask if what you are doing is okay, or if they’d like you to do something else. It’s his/her body… they have an idea of what they’d like. So do you for that matter! Gently suggest (verbally) that they kiss or touch you the way you’d like.
Kissing can lead to three things:
1.) Oral Sex
2.) Sexual Intercourse
3.) Nothing
We have no instructions for #3. If your partner doesn’t want to have Sex after the kissing… You’re going to have to deal with it. It’s better to respect someone than it is to be charged with Rape.
We’ll skip instructions on #1. Why? Because our rival blog has some moderately good instructions on this step. Ladies might be inclined to disregard some of the Blowjob instructions if one of the MSG writers is your partner. Please.
#2: Sexual Intercourse:
Condom? Check!
Willing Partner? Check!
Insert Tab A into slot B!
If it’s the girl’s first time you’re going to be going slowly. Keep asking if it’s alright if you are the boy, keep telling him whether or not it hurts if you are the girl.
How deep do you go?
Women can only feel the lower part of their Vagina. At some point the Penis is too long for it to be doing anything for her when you penetrate deeper. Some girls like it anyway. Some girls don’t. Find the place where the girl is comfortable. The ONLY reason to have a full Penis penetrating is that the boy has a pelvis. This pelvis is a bone covered in skin and fur and can press against the Clitoris. Awesome! If the girl doesn’t want that… don’t do it!
How fast do you go?
Speed should be variable. Ladies, if he slows down it’s probably him trying to last longer. Dudes, if she slows down it’s probably her trying to get to into a certain rhythm or place. The Mountain Sexvival Guide is a little bit sexist on this point: Her Vagina is sensitive. His Penis is much less sensitive. Ergo, the woman has a bigger say in placement and tempo is she wants. If she wants? Yes. The woman might want to be surprised, this is the reason the speed changes. Sex is supposed to be fun, not monotonous.
How long should it take?
Did you both finish? Yeah, exactly that long. Do you both want to do it again? It’ll take a different amount of time, and it should be exactly that long. Are you having a quickie in between classes? Chances are only one (if either) of you are going to finish. That’s okay as long as that’s the deal you worked out. If one of you is disappointed, bring up that you think it could be longer(shorter). You don’t have to be mean, but you shouldn’t be unhappy after Sex. If you are both happy, you did it right. Turn off your egg-timers.
How often should we have Sex?
Which of you wants to have Sex the least number of times in a week. Yeah, go with that number. If you are an every day kinda person, and they are a maybe once a month kinda person… either deal with it or find someone else. Sex isn’t the most important thing, but if you want to have Sex 365 times in a year… 11-12 isn’t going to be good enough. And don’t wait until you are in therapy for being Suicidal before you decide to end that relationship (seriously, because wanting to cut yourself doesn’t make you sexier… it makes her get a puppy to play with instead of you).
How do I know if I’m any good?
My personal experience… not from the Guide… is that Sex is better every single time. There’ve only been one or two times when I thought: yeah that was pretty sub-par. EVERY one of those times it has been my performance that I was uncomfortable with. Meaning… Ladies… keep up the good work. If you both got off and seem happy, thank them. “Oh God, whew… I am out of breath… thank you” whispered into your ear is awesome. It’s positive feedback for him/her, and they need it, because they also wonder if it was okay for you. He/She will in turn say something he/she feels. My bet is it’ll be a compliment. Your partner DID just get laid. Dudes, if you have questions about your performance, just tell her you want to please her and that she should tell you what she wants. Most people are okay at Sex. There’s 6,000,000,000 people on the face of the planet. There wouldn’t be so many people if Sex wasn’t fun!
If want more detailed instructions, please feel free to email us: MountainSexGuide@gmail.com
Tip #6
Language can turn someone on or off quickly. Do you want to give him a Blowjob? Maybe he’d prefer “being in your mouth.” Do you love the way her Pussy tastes? She might find that demeaning, the Vagina already has a name.
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