Mission Statement

Follow me and everything is alright, I'll be the one to tuck you in at night, and if you want to leave... you'll miss out on all our secrets!

Here at the Mountain Sexvival Guide we believe only TWO things:

1.) The more you know about Sex the easier it will be to talk about it, receive it, and find return customers!

2.) The more you know about Sexual Health the easier it will be to stay safe, stay unpregnant, and protect yourself from unwanted bumper buddies.

We promise irreverence, humour, factual information, personal anecdote, and plenty of pop culture references so you know our staff is hip and cool.  We've got the cool shoe shine.

If you have a question or issue that you would like addressed—which you do—then ask! Maybe you want to learn a new sex position, maybe you wonder what that pus-filled bump is, maybe you just don't know where to meet girls... Feel free to send us an email at MountainSexGuide@gmail.com! We AREN'T hiding who we are, but we'll keep your stats confidential.

Ecce Quam Boner. Behold how good and joyful it is to make sweet (safe) love.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Kiss me through the phone...

Here's the deal dudes and dudettes:

Phone Sex is AWESOME! There is nothing more exciting than sitting alone in your room (or in a crowded public bathroom) and talking dirty to someone through your cellphone. Unless you are sitting alone in your room (or on a crowded Greyhound bus) and talking dirty to someone through your cellphone AND touching yourself. Hell yeah. HELL YEAH!

Here's the step by step instructions on how to have phone sex, in the form of an actual phone sex conversation I had today at Sonic immediately before making this post:

Me: Hey girl, how you doin?
Girl: Oh, I'm fine. I bought some shoes today!
Me: Baby, tell me what you're wearing.
Girl: Oooh, I've got on lacy thigh-highs and a sexy bustier.
Me: Girl you know I want to get you up outta that outfit.
Girl: Oh, really?
Me: Yeah really, girl I wanna getcha naked.
Girl: What would we do then?
Me: First I start off kissin' on you.
Girl: Ooh, do I get to kiss you back?
Me: You can't baby.
Girl: Why not?
Me: Your hands are gently tied to the bed posts.
Girl: Ooh, do I get a blindfold?
Me: Yeah girl, and that means I can kiss every inch of your delicious body.

You can see where this is going. These two people are about to have a great night. One of these people even made the Sonic employees VERY uncomfortable. Step 1, find a person who won't be mad if you talk dirty with them. Step 2, talk dirty to them over the phone. Step 3, reach orgasm. Step 4, rinse and repeat.

You'll be having the best platonic-yet-sexual long-distance relationship you've ever had in no time!

Tip #10
Ignore sex advice blog posts on April Fool's day.
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