"So... My boyfriend and I are looking for a place to go. Our suitemates are keeping us from either of our rooms. It's also kind of raining, so we can't go outside... I wish there was a mobile thing I could use to hook up with someone."
Darlin' you've got a car, Just Dance, it'll be okay.
Sometimes people get bored of beds. Today we have a brief announcement in stead of a longer post: Cars/Trucks/Busses/Vans are all fantastic ways to change the scenery!
Tip #9
Handcuffs are metal... ouch... buy soft rope instead!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Feelin' Alright
Seems I got to have a change of scene, cause every night I have the strangest dreams... Dreams of having Sex with someone I don't hate.
Here's the deal my friends, my peers, my fellow Sexually Active Adults: Sex is emotional. It can be a beautiful, motivational, spiritual, amazing thing. It can also SEEM to be all those things. A relationship ends... and all of the sudden you realize: "Hey, I don't really like that person, I never really liked that person!"
That's okay. A huge part of Sexual Health is emotional health. If you are going to be Sexually Active then you have to be prepared to be hurt in deeper and more meaningful ways than you can be hurt by someone with whom you are not having Sex.
Counseling Services on the Mountain is free. If you need, go talk to someone objectively about the decisions you've made about your Sexuality. There doesn't have to be anything wrong to talk to a mental healthcare professional. There ISN'T anything wrong with you if you are torn up over some boy/girl who you now have a strained relationship with because of Sex.
When it's over? That's the time you fall in love again.
Tip #8:
When manually stimulating a woman you can use the ring and middle fingers inside the Vagina to massage the G-Spot as your thumb gently (unless she says "Harder") rubs the Clitoris. Women LOVE it if you do things that make their Clitoris feel good. Ya know, if it's consensual!
Here's the deal my friends, my peers, my fellow Sexually Active Adults: Sex is emotional. It can be a beautiful, motivational, spiritual, amazing thing. It can also SEEM to be all those things. A relationship ends... and all of the sudden you realize: "Hey, I don't really like that person, I never really liked that person!"
That's okay. A huge part of Sexual Health is emotional health. If you are going to be Sexually Active then you have to be prepared to be hurt in deeper and more meaningful ways than you can be hurt by someone with whom you are not having Sex.
Counseling Services on the Mountain is free. If you need, go talk to someone objectively about the decisions you've made about your Sexuality. There doesn't have to be anything wrong to talk to a mental healthcare professional. There ISN'T anything wrong with you if you are torn up over some boy/girl who you now have a strained relationship with because of Sex.
When it's over? That's the time you fall in love again.
Tip #8:
When manually stimulating a woman you can use the ring and middle fingers inside the Vagina to massage the G-Spot as your thumb gently (unless she says "Harder") rubs the Clitoris. Women LOVE it if you do things that make their Clitoris feel good. Ya know, if it's consensual!
Monday, March 23, 2009
Umm... what's this bump? And why does it smell like a fishstick factory?
During high school, I was taught by my biology teacher to not have sex because it would lead to horrible horrible diseases that would make my genitalia look like a mushroom farm. At least, that’s what the pictures that he showed right before our lunch period implied. I’m writing this during lunch. It’s making me not want to eat. And to this day, my genitalia becoming like those pictures is what I fear most from a sexual experience. And babies. So I’ve developed an easy system of protecting myself.
It should be noted that the best way to protect one’s self from STIs and funny smells in and around your penis/vagina area is ABSTINENCE. If you don’t have sex, it’s really really really difficult to get Sexually Transmitted Infections. Not impossible, but überdifficult. Staying away from dirty needles helps too.
Okay, so that system is tripartite, or — for those who like small words — in three parts:
1) Be Selective. Find someone to have sex with that you know. You should probably be attracted to them. You should be comfortable enough to ask them silly but crucial questions like “do you have the clap?” And you should ask those questions.
2) Be Safe. Wear a condom. Birth control pills don't protect against disease, and if you aren't having heterosexual sex they don't really apply anyway. If there is no penetration occurring, use a dental dam. Which could just be a modified condom.
3) Be Smart. Get tested every six months. If you're in a relationship, make sure your partner(s) is/are tested. Do it. There are 132 free or cheap STD Testing sites in the state of Tennessee (eg. here and here). It's also offered at Health Services (x1270) (but I have a healthy distrust of the system, so I get checked in my hometown). It's confidential and TennCare will pay for it if you're a resident of Tennessee.
Follow these steps, and you'll be a cleaner better lover.
Tip #7:
Sex is a natural anti-histamine. So if you and your partner are both sick (i.e. can't give each other what you both already have) have sex, you'll breathe better.
Also, to the music thing from a couple posts ago: Jamiroquai solves all problems.
It should be noted that the best way to protect one’s self from STIs and funny smells in and around your penis/vagina area is ABSTINENCE. If you don’t have sex, it’s really really really difficult to get Sexually Transmitted Infections. Not impossible, but überdifficult. Staying away from dirty needles helps too.
Okay, so that system is tripartite, or — for those who like small words — in three parts:
1) Be Selective. Find someone to have sex with that you know. You should probably be attracted to them. You should be comfortable enough to ask them silly but crucial questions like “do you have the clap?” And you should ask those questions.
2) Be Safe. Wear a condom. Birth control pills don't protect against disease, and if you aren't having heterosexual sex they don't really apply anyway. If there is no penetration occurring, use a dental dam. Which could just be a modified condom.
3) Be Smart. Get tested every six months. If you're in a relationship, make sure your partner(s) is/are tested. Do it. There are 132 free or cheap STD Testing sites in the state of Tennessee (eg. here and here). It's also offered at Health Services (x1270) (but I have a healthy distrust of the system, so I get checked in my hometown). It's confidential and TennCare will pay for it if you're a resident of Tennessee.
Follow these steps, and you'll be a cleaner better lover.
Tip #7:
Sex is a natural anti-histamine. So if you and your partner are both sick (i.e. can't give each other what you both already have) have sex, you'll breathe better.
Also, to the music thing from a couple posts ago: Jamiroquai solves all problems.
Friday, March 20, 2009
So you wanna make love in this club?
DISCLAIMER: The following is fool-proof instructions for having decent-to-freaking-awesome Heterosexual Sexual Intercourse with someone who wants to have Sex with you. These descriptions are incomplete. You should change things to fit your needs (or ya know… what your partner wants) but there is no amount of witch-craft that will make someone sleep with you. They have to already kinda be into you.
DISCLAIMER 2: There are a lot of “…” in this post… deal with it…
Step 1: Cut a hole in the box.
Better step 1: Choose someone with whom you want to have Sex. If you don’t believe there’s anything wrong with sleeping with strangers… be my guest. It’s none of our business. The Guide does pretty clearly believe you’ll enjoy your Sexual Encounters more if you care about the person you are encountering. That’s why Step 1 is here.
Step 2: Let them know you are interested! You see her winding, and grinding up on that pole. You know she sees you looking at her and she already knows…. That may work for Akon, but dude/dudette you ain’t no Akon. If you haven’t said “I’m physically attracted to you” or something that means the same thing… chances are they don’t know.
Step 3: If they are also interested: spend time with them! You have a lot of questions to ask now! Do they have AIDS? Have they had Sex before? Are they married to some girl from out of state? He can be the hottest guy ever and casually forget to mention the Chlamydia. Half of all 21 year olds in the United States have had a Sexual Transmitted Disease…. You are ostensibly two people, you and your partner, so statistically one of you has had something. KNOW BEFORE YOU ‘GO’ BRO!
WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS
Now the juicy part… hehe… juicy….
You’re back at his/her place (or car, forest, academic building, elevator, cemetery, gym, football field, friend’s room, friend’s bed, sorority, fraternity, bathroom, shower, theatre, hallway, attic, rooftop, Vice Chancellors lawn… wherever) now you can just rip of his/her clothes and go at it like a caveman right? WRONG.
Kissing is usually first. There are lots of fun ways to kiss. You might open your mouth. You might suck on his/her tongue. You might gently bite his/her lower lip and run your tongue along it at the same time (my personal favourite kiss ever). Try kissing his/her neck, ear, collar bone, chest, belly button, or hip. Maybe you’d like to suck on his/her nipple. Some boys enjoy that as much as girls do. One of those boys is writing these instructions. Periodically ask if what you are doing is okay, or if they’d like you to do something else. It’s his/her body… they have an idea of what they’d like. So do you for that matter! Gently suggest (verbally) that they kiss or touch you the way you’d like.
Kissing can lead to three things:
1.) Oral Sex
2.) Sexual Intercourse
3.) Nothing
We have no instructions for #3. If your partner doesn’t want to have Sex after the kissing… You’re going to have to deal with it. It’s better to respect someone than it is to be charged with Rape.
We’ll skip instructions on #1. Why? Because our rival blog has some moderately good instructions on this step. Ladies might be inclined to disregard some of the Blowjob instructions if one of the MSG writers is your partner. Please.
#2: Sexual Intercourse:
Condom? Check!
Willing Partner? Check!
Insert Tab A into slot B!
If it’s the girl’s first time you’re going to be going slowly. Keep asking if it’s alright if you are the boy, keep telling him whether or not it hurts if you are the girl.
How deep do you go?
Women can only feel the lower part of their Vagina. At some point the Penis is too long for it to be doing anything for her when you penetrate deeper. Some girls like it anyway. Some girls don’t. Find the place where the girl is comfortable. The ONLY reason to have a full Penis penetrating is that the boy has a pelvis. This pelvis is a bone covered in skin and fur and can press against the Clitoris. Awesome! If the girl doesn’t want that… don’t do it!
How fast do you go?
Speed should be variable. Ladies, if he slows down it’s probably him trying to last longer. Dudes, if she slows down it’s probably her trying to get to into a certain rhythm or place. The Mountain Sexvival Guide is a little bit sexist on this point: Her Vagina is sensitive. His Penis is much less sensitive. Ergo, the woman has a bigger say in placement and tempo is she wants. If she wants? Yes. The woman might want to be surprised, this is the reason the speed changes. Sex is supposed to be fun, not monotonous.
How long should it take?
Did you both finish? Yeah, exactly that long. Do you both want to do it again? It’ll take a different amount of time, and it should be exactly that long. Are you having a quickie in between classes? Chances are only one (if either) of you are going to finish. That’s okay as long as that’s the deal you worked out. If one of you is disappointed, bring up that you think it could be longer(shorter). You don’t have to be mean, but you shouldn’t be unhappy after Sex. If you are both happy, you did it right. Turn off your egg-timers.
How often should we have Sex?
Which of you wants to have Sex the least number of times in a week. Yeah, go with that number. If you are an every day kinda person, and they are a maybe once a month kinda person… either deal with it or find someone else. Sex isn’t the most important thing, but if you want to have Sex 365 times in a year… 11-12 isn’t going to be good enough. And don’t wait until you are in therapy for being Suicidal before you decide to end that relationship (seriously, because wanting to cut yourself doesn’t make you sexier… it makes her get a puppy to play with instead of you).
How do I know if I’m any good?
My personal experience… not from the Guide… is that Sex is better every single time. There’ve only been one or two times when I thought: yeah that was pretty sub-par. EVERY one of those times it has been my performance that I was uncomfortable with. Meaning… Ladies… keep up the good work. If you both got off and seem happy, thank them. “Oh God, whew… I am out of breath… thank you” whispered into your ear is awesome. It’s positive feedback for him/her, and they need it, because they also wonder if it was okay for you. He/She will in turn say something he/she feels. My bet is it’ll be a compliment. Your partner DID just get laid. Dudes, if you have questions about your performance, just tell her you want to please her and that she should tell you what she wants. Most people are okay at Sex. There’s 6,000,000,000 people on the face of the planet. There wouldn’t be so many people if Sex wasn’t fun!
If want more detailed instructions, please feel free to email us: MountainSexGuide@gmail.com
Tip #6
Language can turn someone on or off quickly. Do you want to give him a Blowjob? Maybe he’d prefer “being in your mouth.” Do you love the way her Pussy tastes? She might find that demeaning, the Vagina already has a name.
DISCLAIMER 2: There are a lot of “…” in this post… deal with it…
Step 1: Cut a hole in the box.
Better step 1: Choose someone with whom you want to have Sex. If you don’t believe there’s anything wrong with sleeping with strangers… be my guest. It’s none of our business. The Guide does pretty clearly believe you’ll enjoy your Sexual Encounters more if you care about the person you are encountering. That’s why Step 1 is here.
Step 2: Let them know you are interested! You see her winding, and grinding up on that pole. You know she sees you looking at her and she already knows…. That may work for Akon, but dude/dudette you ain’t no Akon. If you haven’t said “I’m physically attracted to you” or something that means the same thing… chances are they don’t know.
Step 3: If they are also interested: spend time with them! You have a lot of questions to ask now! Do they have AIDS? Have they had Sex before? Are they married to some girl from out of state? He can be the hottest guy ever and casually forget to mention the Chlamydia. Half of all 21 year olds in the United States have had a Sexual Transmitted Disease…. You are ostensibly two people, you and your partner, so statistically one of you has had something. KNOW BEFORE YOU ‘GO’ BRO!
WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS
Now the juicy part… hehe… juicy….
You’re back at his/her place (or car, forest, academic building, elevator, cemetery, gym, football field, friend’s room, friend’s bed, sorority, fraternity, bathroom, shower, theatre, hallway, attic, rooftop, Vice Chancellors lawn… wherever) now you can just rip of his/her clothes and go at it like a caveman right? WRONG.
Kissing is usually first. There are lots of fun ways to kiss. You might open your mouth. You might suck on his/her tongue. You might gently bite his/her lower lip and run your tongue along it at the same time (my personal favourite kiss ever). Try kissing his/her neck, ear, collar bone, chest, belly button, or hip. Maybe you’d like to suck on his/her nipple. Some boys enjoy that as much as girls do. One of those boys is writing these instructions. Periodically ask if what you are doing is okay, or if they’d like you to do something else. It’s his/her body… they have an idea of what they’d like. So do you for that matter! Gently suggest (verbally) that they kiss or touch you the way you’d like.
Kissing can lead to three things:
1.) Oral Sex
2.) Sexual Intercourse
3.) Nothing
We have no instructions for #3. If your partner doesn’t want to have Sex after the kissing… You’re going to have to deal with it. It’s better to respect someone than it is to be charged with Rape.
We’ll skip instructions on #1. Why? Because our rival blog has some moderately good instructions on this step. Ladies might be inclined to disregard some of the Blowjob instructions if one of the MSG writers is your partner. Please.
#2: Sexual Intercourse:
Condom? Check!
Willing Partner? Check!
Insert Tab A into slot B!
If it’s the girl’s first time you’re going to be going slowly. Keep asking if it’s alright if you are the boy, keep telling him whether or not it hurts if you are the girl.
How deep do you go?
Women can only feel the lower part of their Vagina. At some point the Penis is too long for it to be doing anything for her when you penetrate deeper. Some girls like it anyway. Some girls don’t. Find the place where the girl is comfortable. The ONLY reason to have a full Penis penetrating is that the boy has a pelvis. This pelvis is a bone covered in skin and fur and can press against the Clitoris. Awesome! If the girl doesn’t want that… don’t do it!
How fast do you go?
Speed should be variable. Ladies, if he slows down it’s probably him trying to last longer. Dudes, if she slows down it’s probably her trying to get to into a certain rhythm or place. The Mountain Sexvival Guide is a little bit sexist on this point: Her Vagina is sensitive. His Penis is much less sensitive. Ergo, the woman has a bigger say in placement and tempo is she wants. If she wants? Yes. The woman might want to be surprised, this is the reason the speed changes. Sex is supposed to be fun, not monotonous.
How long should it take?
Did you both finish? Yeah, exactly that long. Do you both want to do it again? It’ll take a different amount of time, and it should be exactly that long. Are you having a quickie in between classes? Chances are only one (if either) of you are going to finish. That’s okay as long as that’s the deal you worked out. If one of you is disappointed, bring up that you think it could be longer(shorter). You don’t have to be mean, but you shouldn’t be unhappy after Sex. If you are both happy, you did it right. Turn off your egg-timers.
How often should we have Sex?
Which of you wants to have Sex the least number of times in a week. Yeah, go with that number. If you are an every day kinda person, and they are a maybe once a month kinda person… either deal with it or find someone else. Sex isn’t the most important thing, but if you want to have Sex 365 times in a year… 11-12 isn’t going to be good enough. And don’t wait until you are in therapy for being Suicidal before you decide to end that relationship (seriously, because wanting to cut yourself doesn’t make you sexier… it makes her get a puppy to play with instead of you).
How do I know if I’m any good?
My personal experience… not from the Guide… is that Sex is better every single time. There’ve only been one or two times when I thought: yeah that was pretty sub-par. EVERY one of those times it has been my performance that I was uncomfortable with. Meaning… Ladies… keep up the good work. If you both got off and seem happy, thank them. “Oh God, whew… I am out of breath… thank you” whispered into your ear is awesome. It’s positive feedback for him/her, and they need it, because they also wonder if it was okay for you. He/She will in turn say something he/she feels. My bet is it’ll be a compliment. Your partner DID just get laid. Dudes, if you have questions about your performance, just tell her you want to please her and that she should tell you what she wants. Most people are okay at Sex. There’s 6,000,000,000 people on the face of the planet. There wouldn’t be so many people if Sex wasn’t fun!
If want more detailed instructions, please feel free to email us: MountainSexGuide@gmail.com
Tip #6
Language can turn someone on or off quickly. Do you want to give him a Blowjob? Maybe he’d prefer “being in your mouth.” Do you love the way her Pussy tastes? She might find that demeaning, the Vagina already has a name.
Friday, March 13, 2009
I believe in a thing called Love
Just listen to the rhythm of your heart. There’s no reason that Sex should mean “Love.” It doesn’t for all people. Sex doesn’t actually mean Love for most people. One of our writers is willing to go the sexist mile and say: Guys don’t think Sex and Love are related nearly as often as girls. I’m hungry, ergo I want to eat. I’m horny, ergo I want to screw. This question of Love and Sex is a good reason we always advocate talking about Sex with your partner about what it means to him/her. You should be in Love with people you have Sex with if you want to be in Love with someone before you have Sex with him/her. The Guide clearly states: Do not ever compromise your values for some boy/girl who wants to jump your bones. But, if your libido isn’t interested in receiving flowers and sonnets.... the MSG says you should still love your partner.
There is a basic amount of human respect that you show to someone by having Sex with him/her. There is a reason people refer to that act as “Making Love.” Our staff doesn’t think you have to be in Love. Our staff doesn’t even think you have to like someone very much. Our staff agrees that if you are having Sex with someone, he/she deserves the kind of respect, consideration, and love you want to be shown.
This is from a pretty long section of the Guide that relates to language. This is all to say: don’t give Sexual favors. You’re an adult. If you engage in any Sexual act with any other adult... you should ONLY do so because that’s what you WANT. Believe in that thing called love, and use it to decide what you’re going to do with that hook-up. It’s fine if you want to go down on a guy because he’ll reciprocate that act. It’s fine that you want to trade some aspect or moment of your Sexuality in order to receive something similar from that girl you think is cute. It’s not a favor. There is nothing wrong with someone deciding they DON’T want to do something to you after you did it to him/her. We all have the Right to decide what we will and will not do. The way we talk about Sex helps to shape how we feel about Sex.
So stop calling it a favor! Go out and use those Sexcapades instructions (please don’t if you are someone at risk of performing Oral Sex on my penis) to give Oral Sex. A Gift... feels way better than a favor.
Tip #5
Sex already IS a soundtrack... ask about music beforehand, because maybe s/he doesn't want to listen to Deathcab or David Bowie while s/he's trying to be intimate.
There is a basic amount of human respect that you show to someone by having Sex with him/her. There is a reason people refer to that act as “Making Love.” Our staff doesn’t think you have to be in Love. Our staff doesn’t even think you have to like someone very much. Our staff agrees that if you are having Sex with someone, he/she deserves the kind of respect, consideration, and love you want to be shown.
This is from a pretty long section of the Guide that relates to language. This is all to say: don’t give Sexual favors. You’re an adult. If you engage in any Sexual act with any other adult... you should ONLY do so because that’s what you WANT. Believe in that thing called love, and use it to decide what you’re going to do with that hook-up. It’s fine if you want to go down on a guy because he’ll reciprocate that act. It’s fine that you want to trade some aspect or moment of your Sexuality in order to receive something similar from that girl you think is cute. It’s not a favor. There is nothing wrong with someone deciding they DON’T want to do something to you after you did it to him/her. We all have the Right to decide what we will and will not do. The way we talk about Sex helps to shape how we feel about Sex.
So stop calling it a favor! Go out and use those Sexcapades instructions (please don’t if you are someone at risk of performing Oral Sex on my penis) to give Oral Sex. A Gift... feels way better than a favor.
Tip #5
Sex already IS a soundtrack... ask about music beforehand, because maybe s/he doesn't want to listen to Deathcab or David Bowie while s/he's trying to be intimate.
Everyone's favorite Staind song...
Sorry it’s been a while since we posted anything. One of us just comped, and the other was... doing other things I guess! Our rivals have posted two interesting instruction manuals while we’ve been away. The first was a “How To” about giving Oral Sex to a woman, and I agreed with most of it. The second was a “How To” about giving Oral Sex to a man, and I disagree with most of it. In response, we’re pulling out the archives at the back of The Mountain Sexvival Guide and bringing you a “Spring Break: How To Sex” which you can look forward to next Monday or Tuesday!
You can also look forward to the next several minutes as we upload our most recent advice, hot off the press... of the internet...
Tip # 4:
Good Sex starts before the first kiss. Good hygiene is an important aspect of your sex life. If you don't believe us... ask your partner.
You can also look forward to the next several minutes as we upload our most recent advice, hot off the press... of the internet...
Tip # 4:
Good Sex starts before the first kiss. Good hygiene is an important aspect of your sex life. If you don't believe us... ask your partner.
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