like you wanted me?
What does that song mean? Jesus... some people have NO concept of romance.
Anyway, since we're talking about it, let's get a "Titties" high-five!
We have this friend. She's a girl. She has Breasts. To keep her identity a secret we'll refer to her by a codename: Ellie. Did we mention Ellie has Breasts? Cause we were just talking about them.
It happened to be that tonight the entire staff of the Mountain Sexvival Guide was watching 90210 together at a sorority house. (I mean... we're sexperts, where else would we be hanging out... *yells "Sorostitutes, HELL YEAH"*) We got into an argument with Ellie.
Ellie thinks her breasts "need" a push-up bra. Other girls in the house, ones with more naturally perky and full bodied breasts, did not "need" a push-up bra. The entire staff was angry. We don't feel anyone "needs" any specific flavour of bra.
Here's the deal, straight from the appendix to the Guide: Those ideas about what you need in order to be an attractive woman... those are stupid ideas. Those are unnatural constructs of flawed modern understandings of what the human form "should" look like. Those ideas are big business telling you that you aren't good enough.
Big business can go to hell. Your body is fine. There is nothing wrong with you. You don't "need" anything. Having a healthy Sexuality... requires having a healthy view of yourself. Also, Breasts are hot.
Sambert signing out.
Tip #12
Your little man is impressionable. If you masturbate too much and ejaculate too quickly... he'll think his job is supposed to be over in a jiffy when he's in a 'gina.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Dum-Dum-Deedum…
It's a thief in the night to come and grab you
It can creep up inside you and consume you
A disease of the mind it can control you
I feel like a monster, oh….
Vincilagnia, or more commonly: Bondage. That’s what you were thinking right? Being tied up, having Chris Brown beat the crap out of you… oh yeah! (maybe this is a bad example… domestic abuse is never funny… and it’s NEVER isolated)
But BDSM is weird right? It sends shivers down your spine to think of physical abuse and Sexual Intercourse. We’re gonna go ahead and mention that on page 68 of the Mountain Sexvival Guide there is a section that details how Bondage is not about abuse, it’s about dominance. Dominance is significantly less weird than abuse. So we aren’t about to advocate you tying up Steve and whipping him… we’re about to advocate tying up Steve and whipping him if both you and he are interested in having that experience and are willing to let that shared experience bring you emotionally and intellectually closer as a couple, run-on sentence. One of the writers would take this moment to note that monogamous couples are not the only people who engage in Sexual acts. That writer clearly hates Jesus.
Bondage is a practice that became more mainstream in the 1960’s. We assume it existed before then. Over the years we’ve learned from… other people’s mistakes…we swear… If you are interested in Bondage there are some things we want to warn you about:
1.) If this is a random “Hook-up” they could be trying to rob you. Seriously, if a woman offers to take you back to a hotel room and tie you to a bedpost, you might be there a while.
2.) If it’s something that your partner is into and they want you to be into it then you need to have conversations about how far you’re willing to go. Decide on a safety word and make sure that partner is willing to respect your boundaries. If he wants to slap your Breasts relatively hard and you just want to have your hands loosely tied while he tongues at your Lady Parts… you two are in for an awkward-mostly-Sexless-night. (As a safety word we recommend: Hornswaggle. Seriously, the likelihood that “Hornswaggle” is the thing they scream out of intense pleasure; very slim.)
3.) Establish whether or not this is a regular thing. Maybe you (or your partner) does not want to have Sex with handcuffs often. Maybe you don’t even want “sometimes.” We’ve found that many couples experiment with Sexual Acts and then decide that experiment went poorly. One of our writers tried “Titty Fucking” with his less-than-A-Cup girlfriend… we didn’t try that more than once… but she did have to purchase some moisturizing skin cream…
4.) Peruse the inventory before you make any purchases from this shop. You don’t want to be blindfolded when you discover she’s into sharp objects.
5.) If you try this at home and find it’s awesome; go ask an expert. Sex shops will be able to learn you some things about this activity and match you with items that suit your comfort.
6.) Finally, don’t do anything you don’t want to do! IF YOU DON’T WANT TO TRY BONDAGE… DON’T LET S/HE TALK YOU INTO IT!
Basically you need to communicate. If you want Bondage and your partner does not, then you need to talk about that shit! Maybe your partner is willing to compromise. Maybe you need to have that need fulfilled somewhere else. If your partner is open there are people and places that will barter with you; you give them money and they tie you down and whip you while you think about them naked. Maybe your girlfriend/boyfriend would rather you pay for it than have it be them. Not really the thing we want to advocate, but definitely an option for informed adults making informed decisions about their Sexualities.
Tip #11
While food play may seem like a good idea, be very careful when food is near the Vagina. Changes in the pH of the Vagina can lead to things living in there, and those roses really smell like poo-poo-poo.
It can creep up inside you and consume you
A disease of the mind it can control you
I feel like a monster, oh….
Vincilagnia, or more commonly: Bondage. That’s what you were thinking right? Being tied up, having Chris Brown beat the crap out of you… oh yeah! (maybe this is a bad example… domestic abuse is never funny… and it’s NEVER isolated)
But BDSM is weird right? It sends shivers down your spine to think of physical abuse and Sexual Intercourse. We’re gonna go ahead and mention that on page 68 of the Mountain Sexvival Guide there is a section that details how Bondage is not about abuse, it’s about dominance. Dominance is significantly less weird than abuse. So we aren’t about to advocate you tying up Steve and whipping him… we’re about to advocate tying up Steve and whipping him if both you and he are interested in having that experience and are willing to let that shared experience bring you emotionally and intellectually closer as a couple, run-on sentence. One of the writers would take this moment to note that monogamous couples are not the only people who engage in Sexual acts. That writer clearly hates Jesus.
Bondage is a practice that became more mainstream in the 1960’s. We assume it existed before then. Over the years we’ve learned from… other people’s mistakes…we swear… If you are interested in Bondage there are some things we want to warn you about:
1.) If this is a random “Hook-up” they could be trying to rob you. Seriously, if a woman offers to take you back to a hotel room and tie you to a bedpost, you might be there a while.
2.) If it’s something that your partner is into and they want you to be into it then you need to have conversations about how far you’re willing to go. Decide on a safety word and make sure that partner is willing to respect your boundaries. If he wants to slap your Breasts relatively hard and you just want to have your hands loosely tied while he tongues at your Lady Parts… you two are in for an awkward-mostly-Sexless-night. (As a safety word we recommend: Hornswaggle. Seriously, the likelihood that “Hornswaggle” is the thing they scream out of intense pleasure; very slim.)
3.) Establish whether or not this is a regular thing. Maybe you (or your partner) does not want to have Sex with handcuffs often. Maybe you don’t even want “sometimes.” We’ve found that many couples experiment with Sexual Acts and then decide that experiment went poorly. One of our writers tried “Titty Fucking” with his less-than-A-Cup girlfriend… we didn’t try that more than once… but she did have to purchase some moisturizing skin cream…
4.) Peruse the inventory before you make any purchases from this shop. You don’t want to be blindfolded when you discover she’s into sharp objects.
5.) If you try this at home and find it’s awesome; go ask an expert. Sex shops will be able to learn you some things about this activity and match you with items that suit your comfort.
6.) Finally, don’t do anything you don’t want to do! IF YOU DON’T WANT TO TRY BONDAGE… DON’T LET S/HE TALK YOU INTO IT!
Basically you need to communicate. If you want Bondage and your partner does not, then you need to talk about that shit! Maybe your partner is willing to compromise. Maybe you need to have that need fulfilled somewhere else. If your partner is open there are people and places that will barter with you; you give them money and they tie you down and whip you while you think about them naked. Maybe your girlfriend/boyfriend would rather you pay for it than have it be them. Not really the thing we want to advocate, but definitely an option for informed adults making informed decisions about their Sexualities.
Tip #11
While food play may seem like a good idea, be very careful when food is near the Vagina. Changes in the pH of the Vagina can lead to things living in there, and those roses really smell like poo-poo-poo.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Kiss me through the phone...
Here's the deal dudes and dudettes:
Phone Sex is AWESOME! There is nothing more exciting than sitting alone in your room (or in a crowded public bathroom) and talking dirty to someone through your cellphone. Unless you are sitting alone in your room (or on a crowded Greyhound bus) and talking dirty to someone through your cellphone AND touching yourself. Hell yeah. HELL YEAH!
Here's the step by step instructions on how to have phone sex, in the form of an actual phone sex conversation I had today at Sonic immediately before making this post:
Me: Hey girl, how you doin?
Girl: Oh, I'm fine. I bought some shoes today!
Me: Baby, tell me what you're wearing.
Girl: Oooh, I've got on lacy thigh-highs and a sexy bustier.
Me: Girl you know I want to get you up outta that outfit.
Girl: Oh, really?
Me: Yeah really, girl I wanna getcha naked.
Girl: What would we do then?
Me: First I start off kissin' on you.
Girl: Ooh, do I get to kiss you back?
Me: You can't baby.
Girl: Why not?
Me: Your hands are gently tied to the bed posts.
Girl: Ooh, do I get a blindfold?
Me: Yeah girl, and that means I can kiss every inch of your delicious body.
You can see where this is going. These two people are about to have a great night. One of these people even made the Sonic employees VERY uncomfortable. Step 1, find a person who won't be mad if you talk dirty with them. Step 2, talk dirty to them over the phone. Step 3, reach orgasm. Step 4, rinse and repeat.
You'll be having the best platonic-yet-sexual long-distance relationship you've ever had in no time!
Tip #10
Ignore sex advice blog posts on April Fool's day.
Phone Sex is AWESOME! There is nothing more exciting than sitting alone in your room (or in a crowded public bathroom) and talking dirty to someone through your cellphone. Unless you are sitting alone in your room (or on a crowded Greyhound bus) and talking dirty to someone through your cellphone AND touching yourself. Hell yeah. HELL YEAH!
Here's the step by step instructions on how to have phone sex, in the form of an actual phone sex conversation I had today at Sonic immediately before making this post:
Me: Hey girl, how you doin?
Girl: Oh, I'm fine. I bought some shoes today!
Me: Baby, tell me what you're wearing.
Girl: Oooh, I've got on lacy thigh-highs and a sexy bustier.
Me: Girl you know I want to get you up outta that outfit.
Girl: Oh, really?
Me: Yeah really, girl I wanna getcha naked.
Girl: What would we do then?
Me: First I start off kissin' on you.
Girl: Ooh, do I get to kiss you back?
Me: You can't baby.
Girl: Why not?
Me: Your hands are gently tied to the bed posts.
Girl: Ooh, do I get a blindfold?
Me: Yeah girl, and that means I can kiss every inch of your delicious body.
You can see where this is going. These two people are about to have a great night. One of these people even made the Sonic employees VERY uncomfortable. Step 1, find a person who won't be mad if you talk dirty with them. Step 2, talk dirty to them over the phone. Step 3, reach orgasm. Step 4, rinse and repeat.
You'll be having the best platonic-yet-sexual long-distance relationship you've ever had in no time!
Tip #10
Ignore sex advice blog posts on April Fool's day.
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