Get the cool shoe shine.
For those of you who don't know, that 19-2000 song remix by the GORILLAZ is about giving Oral Sex to a man. That's the cool shoe shine.
Fellatio and Irrumatio refer to Oral Sex performed on a man. The latter is a stylistic choice. Get a dictionary. There are lots of places where these sexual acts are not acceptable practices, particularly Asian, African, primarily Christian, and primarily Muslim nations. You are asking yourself where people aren't Asian, African, Muslim, or Christian... France. They're all Nihilists. Dirty Nihilists. It seems that everywhere but France Oral Sex given to a man is a taboo. The Ancient Romans and Greeks even considered Fellatio to be a shameful act to perform. And those people did little boys in the butt as a means of educating them. If they can't get behind Fellatio than it must be awful right?
Maybe. There ya go. That's the MSG take on the matter. Oral Sex could be gross. If a boy wants you to do that to him and you don't want to; don't.
It could be fun. It could be awesome. It could be a huge turn on for you once you are more comfortable with it. But, it IS your choice. No one can expect it from you or demand it of you.
Please repeat the message
It's the music(Sexual Acts) that we choose.
Sex Tip #14
The CDC says you can get HIV or several other Sexually Transmitted diseases from RECEIVING Oral Sex... It's not "safe" just because you didn't touch their junk.
http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/resources/qa/qa19.htm
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Can you do a cock pushup?
‘Cause I can. One at a time, but I can do it.
Ahh, the penis… It seems like everyone has one, right? Girls are innies, boys are outies.‡ What I’m saying is; we should talk about dicks cause we all have one.
First things first: the average penis size (as the aggregate of multiple studies) is around 5.35 inches (or 14.7 centimeters for you metric fucks). This means that most people have a penis that is smaller than 6 inches. And there are very few people with penises that are the size of those in porn. Pornises, as we call them, are often monstrously huge and scary. Once I saw a Penis so big that I thought I was watching Godzilla Slay Mothra. I still have nightmares. Scary nightmares.
No matter the size, your boy needs love and attention to grow into a raging, throbbing, love machine of a man. You need to keep him clean. Girls bathe before having Sex because they don’t want their Genitalia to be gross.* You should do them the same courtesy and make sure there is no funk on your junk. It is especially important if you still have your Foreskin because stuff can start to grow under your snake’s hat. This is called dick cheese or smegma. Take a freaking shower dude, wash your nuts with soap. Soap. Seriously, it’s important. Soap.
Now we aren’t saying size doesn’t matter. If you have a little dude, we feel sorry for you. Look, it’s not that there is anything wrong with your penis, it’s that women will think something is wrong with your penis*. Women take huge Erections as some kind of compliment, as though that guys Dick is only that big because she is so attractive to him.* This is stupid. That Erection is the same size now as it is when he first heard the Reel Big Fish cover of “Take on Me” by A-Ha. You can combat your size issue a number of ways:
1.) Surgery – There is a tendon at the base of your Penis. You can add a full one to three inches by having that tendon cut by a surgeon. Ask your doctor about all the negative health and Sexual consequences that could result from this decision.
2.) Strap-on – There are Strap-ons for men that can be used basically like a condom. It’ll extend you and keep her from being pregnant.
3.) Date Asian women – They’re a short people.They must have tiny other things. Asian woman will think you are a giant.§
4.) Talking it out – Think about it this way; the smaller your Penis is, the more likely it is that you will stimulate her Clitoris with your Pelvic bone.
5.) Selective Trimming – Seriously dude if you just trim the area around your throbbing twig, it may turn out to look like a tree-trunk!
Remember, if you can’t keep it in your pants, keep it covered.
Sex Tip # 13 You can reach the G-Spot with your fingers. You can reach the Clitoris with your tongue. You can multi-task. She can grab your head and squeeze her legs and scream your name. Hot damn.
_________________________________
‡ That's what the bible says, right?
As a sidenote, one of the writers of the MSG, while sitting in the pub overheard Philip Powell say “get your balls licked” but really loudly. In the pub. Also, John Guin never did y’all.
Ahh, the penis… It seems like everyone has one, right? Girls are innies, boys are outies.‡ What I’m saying is; we should talk about dicks cause we all have one.
First things first: the average penis size (as the aggregate of multiple studies) is around 5.35 inches (or 14.7 centimeters for you metric fucks). This means that most people have a penis that is smaller than 6 inches. And there are very few people with penises that are the size of those in porn. Pornises, as we call them, are often monstrously huge and scary. Once I saw a Penis so big that I thought I was watching Godzilla Slay Mothra. I still have nightmares. Scary nightmares.
No matter the size, your boy needs love and attention to grow into a raging, throbbing, love machine of a man. You need to keep him clean. Girls bathe before having Sex because they don’t want their Genitalia to be gross.* You should do them the same courtesy and make sure there is no funk on your junk. It is especially important if you still have your Foreskin because stuff can start to grow under your snake’s hat. This is called dick cheese or smegma. Take a freaking shower dude, wash your nuts with soap. Soap. Seriously, it’s important. Soap.
Now we aren’t saying size doesn’t matter. If you have a little dude, we feel sorry for you. Look, it’s not that there is anything wrong with your penis, it’s that women will think something is wrong with your penis*. Women take huge Erections as some kind of compliment, as though that guys Dick is only that big because she is so attractive to him.* This is stupid. That Erection is the same size now as it is when he first heard the Reel Big Fish cover of “Take on Me” by A-Ha. You can combat your size issue a number of ways:
1.) Surgery – There is a tendon at the base of your Penis. You can add a full one to three inches by having that tendon cut by a surgeon. Ask your doctor about all the negative health and Sexual consequences that could result from this decision.
2.) Strap-on – There are Strap-ons for men that can be used basically like a condom. It’ll extend you and keep her from being pregnant.
3.) Date Asian women – They’re a short people.They must have tiny other things. Asian woman will think you are a giant.§
4.) Talking it out – Think about it this way; the smaller your Penis is, the more likely it is that you will stimulate her Clitoris with your Pelvic bone.
5.) Selective Trimming – Seriously dude if you just trim the area around your throbbing twig, it may turn out to look like a tree-trunk!
Remember, if you can’t keep it in your pants, keep it covered.
Sex Tip # 13 You can reach the G-Spot with your fingers. You can reach the Clitoris with your tongue. You can multi-task. She can grab your head and squeeze her legs and scream your name. Hot damn.
_________________________________
‡ That's what the bible says, right?
* Gross generalization on the part of Sambert Willidan
§ The entire staff of the Mountain Sexvival Guide finds racism and racist remarks to be tasteless and untrue. We don’t know how this made it past the copy-editors.
As a sidenote, one of the writers of the MSG, while sitting in the pub overheard Philip Powell say “get your balls licked” but really loudly. In the pub. Also, John Guin never did y’all.
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