This is the kind of blog that only Prince would sing about...
You're pretty upset with that Promiscuous Girl in your class/workplace/church aren't you? She's clearly a tramp. Look at the way she dresses. I mean, oh my god Becky, look at her butt. She's got an awful lot of guys around, I bet she's giving it up like it was going out of style.
Does this sound a little bit like you? Cause it sounds a little bit like the staff of the Mountain Sexvival Guide.
We're pretty quick as people to judge our peers based on how they look, speak, and date. We're pretty quick to look down on people for any number of reasons. Often those feelings manifest themselves into derogatory comments about their Sexuality. This is one of the most hurtful ways to denigrate a person's character.
It's also bad for your sexual health!!
Sexuality, and expressions thereof, are not inherently bad. Sexual promiscuity can be safe and pleasant for all involved. Everyone's trying to figure things out for themselves and nearly every person is going to make decisions that you would not make. This isn't a judge not lest ye be judged thing either... The MSG doesn't say "Wait dude, you're Sexual appetites are just as weird." it says "If people are open, honest, consenting, and safe... leave them alone."
Let us put it this way: You don't have to like people. But every time you insult someone's Sexual Experience you make it that much harder for people to be comfortable talking about their Sexuality. The less people talk about Sex, the more likely they are to be secretive, dishonest, manipulative, and unsafe.
So yeah, you don't have to like people... but no one is such a tramp that you hope she AIDS* so play nice. Only YOU can prevent negative stereotypes and sexual stigma.
Sex Tip #16
A Parthenophobe is someone who is afraid of virgins. Remember that no matter what preferences s/he has that make you uncomfortable... there's weirder stuff out there.**
*Think about this HARD before you disagree.
**This is the Judge Not... section of the post.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Saturday, June 13, 2009
It's a long way to the top...
The 60s: the decade of Free Love. People could do whatever they wanted and there were no consequences to their actions. Sex was safe, drugs were safe, all experiments were good.
I know, I've seen it on T.V.
It's sad life can't be like that anymore. Nowadays you really need a notarized letter from a physician to trust that someone with whom you are about to get it on won't get you sick. And it's not even sick like “Darn, I've got a cough.” It's sick like “What are these bleeding sores on my Scrotum?” When you have a cough, you can tell your mom about it... When you have weird wounds on your Willy, you probably don't tell your Ma. Let's just set the record straight, the MSG writers and archival searching teams all agree: If you aren't afraid of sex... you should be.
But you want to live in the era of free love! You don't like commitment. You feel ready for adult relationships, you don't want to hurt anyone, but you don't want to settle for just one partner... We applaud you for being so clear about what you want. There are two completely different flavors of things that maybe you ought to think about.
1.) Not all Sexual appetites need to be filled. Your body wanting something does not justify any behavior… ever. Just because it feels good doesn’t mean it feels right. Think about all the other stuff in your life that you want but choose not to have. You could be taking big risks for immediate gratification that ends up just causing turmoil in your life. How could Sex cause turmoil? HAhahahaHAHAHAahahahAHAHAHAHAHA That’s a good one dude! I thought you were being serious for like a whole instant and that’s funny as hell! How does Sex cause turmoil? Dude, I’m literally crying. That’s how funny that is! I think I just peed a little.
2.) Good Luck! You think it’s hard having a monogamous relationship? Just wait until you get into the game and try to juggle multiple people in terms of schedule and emotion. You can respect people, treat them well, deal with them honestly… You’re still going to hurt someone (probably). Chances are good that you will alienate yourself from certain friend circles. You deserve some of this. Some will be totally out of the blue, and not really your fault. It’ll still happen.
You can be a Player. You can be a Playette. You can be a completely upfront, honest, integrity-filled dude/dudette who has several sexual partners without mistreating any of them. There is nothing wrong with you for trying. But my perspective is… you’ll probably only be trying. It’s a lot of work. It’s more work than a relationship. It’s got more risks. It’s bound to be more likely to leave you feeling alone. If it’s worth it to you…go for it. But remember: It’s a long way to the top if you want to rock and roll.
Sex Tip #15
What speaks louder than words? Whispers! Try biting your partner gently on the ear and whispering whatever naughty thing you were just about to say out loud. Some people do like loud, but everyone likes sweet nothings teasing their ear.
I know, I've seen it on T.V.
It's sad life can't be like that anymore. Nowadays you really need a notarized letter from a physician to trust that someone with whom you are about to get it on won't get you sick. And it's not even sick like “Darn, I've got a cough.” It's sick like “What are these bleeding sores on my Scrotum?” When you have a cough, you can tell your mom about it... When you have weird wounds on your Willy, you probably don't tell your Ma. Let's just set the record straight, the MSG writers and archival searching teams all agree: If you aren't afraid of sex... you should be.
But you want to live in the era of free love! You don't like commitment. You feel ready for adult relationships, you don't want to hurt anyone, but you don't want to settle for just one partner... We applaud you for being so clear about what you want. There are two completely different flavors of things that maybe you ought to think about.
1.) Not all Sexual appetites need to be filled. Your body wanting something does not justify any behavior… ever. Just because it feels good doesn’t mean it feels right. Think about all the other stuff in your life that you want but choose not to have. You could be taking big risks for immediate gratification that ends up just causing turmoil in your life. How could Sex cause turmoil? HAhahahaHAHAHAahahahAHAHAHAHAHA That’s a good one dude! I thought you were being serious for like a whole instant and that’s funny as hell! How does Sex cause turmoil? Dude, I’m literally crying. That’s how funny that is! I think I just peed a little.
2.) Good Luck! You think it’s hard having a monogamous relationship? Just wait until you get into the game and try to juggle multiple people in terms of schedule and emotion. You can respect people, treat them well, deal with them honestly… You’re still going to hurt someone (probably). Chances are good that you will alienate yourself from certain friend circles. You deserve some of this. Some will be totally out of the blue, and not really your fault. It’ll still happen.
You can be a Player. You can be a Playette. You can be a completely upfront, honest, integrity-filled dude/dudette who has several sexual partners without mistreating any of them. There is nothing wrong with you for trying. But my perspective is… you’ll probably only be trying. It’s a lot of work. It’s more work than a relationship. It’s got more risks. It’s bound to be more likely to leave you feeling alone. If it’s worth it to you…go for it. But remember: It’s a long way to the top if you want to rock and roll.
Sex Tip #15
What speaks louder than words? Whispers! Try biting your partner gently on the ear and whispering whatever naughty thing you were just about to say out loud. Some people do like loud, but everyone likes sweet nothings teasing their ear.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Get the cool...
Get the cool shoe shine.
For those of you who don't know, that 19-2000 song remix by the GORILLAZ is about giving Oral Sex to a man. That's the cool shoe shine.
Fellatio and Irrumatio refer to Oral Sex performed on a man. The latter is a stylistic choice. Get a dictionary. There are lots of places where these sexual acts are not acceptable practices, particularly Asian, African, primarily Christian, and primarily Muslim nations. You are asking yourself where people aren't Asian, African, Muslim, or Christian... France. They're all Nihilists. Dirty Nihilists. It seems that everywhere but France Oral Sex given to a man is a taboo. The Ancient Romans and Greeks even considered Fellatio to be a shameful act to perform. And those people did little boys in the butt as a means of educating them. If they can't get behind Fellatio than it must be awful right?
Maybe. There ya go. That's the MSG take on the matter. Oral Sex could be gross. If a boy wants you to do that to him and you don't want to; don't.
It could be fun. It could be awesome. It could be a huge turn on for you once you are more comfortable with it. But, it IS your choice. No one can expect it from you or demand it of you.
Please repeat the message
It's the music(Sexual Acts) that we choose.
Sex Tip #14
The CDC says you can get HIV or several other Sexually Transmitted diseases from RECEIVING Oral Sex... It's not "safe" just because you didn't touch their junk.
http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/resources/qa/qa19.htm
For those of you who don't know, that 19-2000 song remix by the GORILLAZ is about giving Oral Sex to a man. That's the cool shoe shine.
Fellatio and Irrumatio refer to Oral Sex performed on a man. The latter is a stylistic choice. Get a dictionary. There are lots of places where these sexual acts are not acceptable practices, particularly Asian, African, primarily Christian, and primarily Muslim nations. You are asking yourself where people aren't Asian, African, Muslim, or Christian... France. They're all Nihilists. Dirty Nihilists. It seems that everywhere but France Oral Sex given to a man is a taboo. The Ancient Romans and Greeks even considered Fellatio to be a shameful act to perform. And those people did little boys in the butt as a means of educating them. If they can't get behind Fellatio than it must be awful right?
Maybe. There ya go. That's the MSG take on the matter. Oral Sex could be gross. If a boy wants you to do that to him and you don't want to; don't.
It could be fun. It could be awesome. It could be a huge turn on for you once you are more comfortable with it. But, it IS your choice. No one can expect it from you or demand it of you.
Please repeat the message
It's the music(Sexual Acts) that we choose.
Sex Tip #14
The CDC says you can get HIV or several other Sexually Transmitted diseases from RECEIVING Oral Sex... It's not "safe" just because you didn't touch their junk.
http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/resources/qa/qa19.htm
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Can you do a cock pushup?
‘Cause I can. One at a time, but I can do it.
Ahh, the penis… It seems like everyone has one, right? Girls are innies, boys are outies.‡ What I’m saying is; we should talk about dicks cause we all have one.
First things first: the average penis size (as the aggregate of multiple studies) is around 5.35 inches (or 14.7 centimeters for you metric fucks). This means that most people have a penis that is smaller than 6 inches. And there are very few people with penises that are the size of those in porn. Pornises, as we call them, are often monstrously huge and scary. Once I saw a Penis so big that I thought I was watching Godzilla Slay Mothra. I still have nightmares. Scary nightmares.
No matter the size, your boy needs love and attention to grow into a raging, throbbing, love machine of a man. You need to keep him clean. Girls bathe before having Sex because they don’t want their Genitalia to be gross.* You should do them the same courtesy and make sure there is no funk on your junk. It is especially important if you still have your Foreskin because stuff can start to grow under your snake’s hat. This is called dick cheese or smegma. Take a freaking shower dude, wash your nuts with soap. Soap. Seriously, it’s important. Soap.
Now we aren’t saying size doesn’t matter. If you have a little dude, we feel sorry for you. Look, it’s not that there is anything wrong with your penis, it’s that women will think something is wrong with your penis*. Women take huge Erections as some kind of compliment, as though that guys Dick is only that big because she is so attractive to him.* This is stupid. That Erection is the same size now as it is when he first heard the Reel Big Fish cover of “Take on Me” by A-Ha. You can combat your size issue a number of ways:
1.) Surgery – There is a tendon at the base of your Penis. You can add a full one to three inches by having that tendon cut by a surgeon. Ask your doctor about all the negative health and Sexual consequences that could result from this decision.
2.) Strap-on – There are Strap-ons for men that can be used basically like a condom. It’ll extend you and keep her from being pregnant.
3.) Date Asian women – They’re a short people.They must have tiny other things. Asian woman will think you are a giant.§
4.) Talking it out – Think about it this way; the smaller your Penis is, the more likely it is that you will stimulate her Clitoris with your Pelvic bone.
5.) Selective Trimming – Seriously dude if you just trim the area around your throbbing twig, it may turn out to look like a tree-trunk!
Remember, if you can’t keep it in your pants, keep it covered.
Sex Tip # 13 You can reach the G-Spot with your fingers. You can reach the Clitoris with your tongue. You can multi-task. She can grab your head and squeeze her legs and scream your name. Hot damn.
_________________________________
‡ That's what the bible says, right?
As a sidenote, one of the writers of the MSG, while sitting in the pub overheard Philip Powell say “get your balls licked” but really loudly. In the pub. Also, John Guin never did y’all.
Ahh, the penis… It seems like everyone has one, right? Girls are innies, boys are outies.‡ What I’m saying is; we should talk about dicks cause we all have one.
First things first: the average penis size (as the aggregate of multiple studies) is around 5.35 inches (or 14.7 centimeters for you metric fucks). This means that most people have a penis that is smaller than 6 inches. And there are very few people with penises that are the size of those in porn. Pornises, as we call them, are often monstrously huge and scary. Once I saw a Penis so big that I thought I was watching Godzilla Slay Mothra. I still have nightmares. Scary nightmares.
No matter the size, your boy needs love and attention to grow into a raging, throbbing, love machine of a man. You need to keep him clean. Girls bathe before having Sex because they don’t want their Genitalia to be gross.* You should do them the same courtesy and make sure there is no funk on your junk. It is especially important if you still have your Foreskin because stuff can start to grow under your snake’s hat. This is called dick cheese or smegma. Take a freaking shower dude, wash your nuts with soap. Soap. Seriously, it’s important. Soap.
Now we aren’t saying size doesn’t matter. If you have a little dude, we feel sorry for you. Look, it’s not that there is anything wrong with your penis, it’s that women will think something is wrong with your penis*. Women take huge Erections as some kind of compliment, as though that guys Dick is only that big because she is so attractive to him.* This is stupid. That Erection is the same size now as it is when he first heard the Reel Big Fish cover of “Take on Me” by A-Ha. You can combat your size issue a number of ways:
1.) Surgery – There is a tendon at the base of your Penis. You can add a full one to three inches by having that tendon cut by a surgeon. Ask your doctor about all the negative health and Sexual consequences that could result from this decision.
2.) Strap-on – There are Strap-ons for men that can be used basically like a condom. It’ll extend you and keep her from being pregnant.
3.) Date Asian women – They’re a short people.They must have tiny other things. Asian woman will think you are a giant.§
4.) Talking it out – Think about it this way; the smaller your Penis is, the more likely it is that you will stimulate her Clitoris with your Pelvic bone.
5.) Selective Trimming – Seriously dude if you just trim the area around your throbbing twig, it may turn out to look like a tree-trunk!
Remember, if you can’t keep it in your pants, keep it covered.
Sex Tip # 13 You can reach the G-Spot with your fingers. You can reach the Clitoris with your tongue. You can multi-task. She can grab your head and squeeze her legs and scream your name. Hot damn.
_________________________________
‡ That's what the bible says, right?
* Gross generalization on the part of Sambert Willidan
§ The entire staff of the Mountain Sexvival Guide finds racism and racist remarks to be tasteless and untrue. We don’t know how this made it past the copy-editors.
As a sidenote, one of the writers of the MSG, while sitting in the pub overheard Philip Powell say “get your balls licked” but really loudly. In the pub. Also, John Guin never did y’all.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Suckin' on my Titties....
like you wanted me?
What does that song mean? Jesus... some people have NO concept of romance.
Anyway, since we're talking about it, let's get a "Titties" high-five!
We have this friend. She's a girl. She has Breasts. To keep her identity a secret we'll refer to her by a codename: Ellie. Did we mention Ellie has Breasts? Cause we were just talking about them.
It happened to be that tonight the entire staff of the Mountain Sexvival Guide was watching 90210 together at a sorority house. (I mean... we're sexperts, where else would we be hanging out... *yells "Sorostitutes, HELL YEAH"*) We got into an argument with Ellie.
Ellie thinks her breasts "need" a push-up bra. Other girls in the house, ones with more naturally perky and full bodied breasts, did not "need" a push-up bra. The entire staff was angry. We don't feel anyone "needs" any specific flavour of bra.
Here's the deal, straight from the appendix to the Guide: Those ideas about what you need in order to be an attractive woman... those are stupid ideas. Those are unnatural constructs of flawed modern understandings of what the human form "should" look like. Those ideas are big business telling you that you aren't good enough.
Big business can go to hell. Your body is fine. There is nothing wrong with you. You don't "need" anything. Having a healthy Sexuality... requires having a healthy view of yourself. Also, Breasts are hot.
Sambert signing out.
Tip #12
Your little man is impressionable. If you masturbate too much and ejaculate too quickly... he'll think his job is supposed to be over in a jiffy when he's in a 'gina.
What does that song mean? Jesus... some people have NO concept of romance.
Anyway, since we're talking about it, let's get a "Titties" high-five!
We have this friend. She's a girl. She has Breasts. To keep her identity a secret we'll refer to her by a codename: Ellie. Did we mention Ellie has Breasts? Cause we were just talking about them.
It happened to be that tonight the entire staff of the Mountain Sexvival Guide was watching 90210 together at a sorority house. (I mean... we're sexperts, where else would we be hanging out... *yells "Sorostitutes, HELL YEAH"*) We got into an argument with Ellie.
Ellie thinks her breasts "need" a push-up bra. Other girls in the house, ones with more naturally perky and full bodied breasts, did not "need" a push-up bra. The entire staff was angry. We don't feel anyone "needs" any specific flavour of bra.
Here's the deal, straight from the appendix to the Guide: Those ideas about what you need in order to be an attractive woman... those are stupid ideas. Those are unnatural constructs of flawed modern understandings of what the human form "should" look like. Those ideas are big business telling you that you aren't good enough.
Big business can go to hell. Your body is fine. There is nothing wrong with you. You don't "need" anything. Having a healthy Sexuality... requires having a healthy view of yourself. Also, Breasts are hot.
Sambert signing out.
Tip #12
Your little man is impressionable. If you masturbate too much and ejaculate too quickly... he'll think his job is supposed to be over in a jiffy when he's in a 'gina.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Dum-Dum-Deedum…
It's a thief in the night to come and grab you
It can creep up inside you and consume you
A disease of the mind it can control you
I feel like a monster, oh….
Vincilagnia, or more commonly: Bondage. That’s what you were thinking right? Being tied up, having Chris Brown beat the crap out of you… oh yeah! (maybe this is a bad example… domestic abuse is never funny… and it’s NEVER isolated)
But BDSM is weird right? It sends shivers down your spine to think of physical abuse and Sexual Intercourse. We’re gonna go ahead and mention that on page 68 of the Mountain Sexvival Guide there is a section that details how Bondage is not about abuse, it’s about dominance. Dominance is significantly less weird than abuse. So we aren’t about to advocate you tying up Steve and whipping him… we’re about to advocate tying up Steve and whipping him if both you and he are interested in having that experience and are willing to let that shared experience bring you emotionally and intellectually closer as a couple, run-on sentence. One of the writers would take this moment to note that monogamous couples are not the only people who engage in Sexual acts. That writer clearly hates Jesus.
Bondage is a practice that became more mainstream in the 1960’s. We assume it existed before then. Over the years we’ve learned from… other people’s mistakes…we swear… If you are interested in Bondage there are some things we want to warn you about:
1.) If this is a random “Hook-up” they could be trying to rob you. Seriously, if a woman offers to take you back to a hotel room and tie you to a bedpost, you might be there a while.
2.) If it’s something that your partner is into and they want you to be into it then you need to have conversations about how far you’re willing to go. Decide on a safety word and make sure that partner is willing to respect your boundaries. If he wants to slap your Breasts relatively hard and you just want to have your hands loosely tied while he tongues at your Lady Parts… you two are in for an awkward-mostly-Sexless-night. (As a safety word we recommend: Hornswaggle. Seriously, the likelihood that “Hornswaggle” is the thing they scream out of intense pleasure; very slim.)
3.) Establish whether or not this is a regular thing. Maybe you (or your partner) does not want to have Sex with handcuffs often. Maybe you don’t even want “sometimes.” We’ve found that many couples experiment with Sexual Acts and then decide that experiment went poorly. One of our writers tried “Titty Fucking” with his less-than-A-Cup girlfriend… we didn’t try that more than once… but she did have to purchase some moisturizing skin cream…
4.) Peruse the inventory before you make any purchases from this shop. You don’t want to be blindfolded when you discover she’s into sharp objects.
5.) If you try this at home and find it’s awesome; go ask an expert. Sex shops will be able to learn you some things about this activity and match you with items that suit your comfort.
6.) Finally, don’t do anything you don’t want to do! IF YOU DON’T WANT TO TRY BONDAGE… DON’T LET S/HE TALK YOU INTO IT!
Basically you need to communicate. If you want Bondage and your partner does not, then you need to talk about that shit! Maybe your partner is willing to compromise. Maybe you need to have that need fulfilled somewhere else. If your partner is open there are people and places that will barter with you; you give them money and they tie you down and whip you while you think about them naked. Maybe your girlfriend/boyfriend would rather you pay for it than have it be them. Not really the thing we want to advocate, but definitely an option for informed adults making informed decisions about their Sexualities.
Tip #11
While food play may seem like a good idea, be very careful when food is near the Vagina. Changes in the pH of the Vagina can lead to things living in there, and those roses really smell like poo-poo-poo.
It can creep up inside you and consume you
A disease of the mind it can control you
I feel like a monster, oh….
Vincilagnia, or more commonly: Bondage. That’s what you were thinking right? Being tied up, having Chris Brown beat the crap out of you… oh yeah! (maybe this is a bad example… domestic abuse is never funny… and it’s NEVER isolated)
But BDSM is weird right? It sends shivers down your spine to think of physical abuse and Sexual Intercourse. We’re gonna go ahead and mention that on page 68 of the Mountain Sexvival Guide there is a section that details how Bondage is not about abuse, it’s about dominance. Dominance is significantly less weird than abuse. So we aren’t about to advocate you tying up Steve and whipping him… we’re about to advocate tying up Steve and whipping him if both you and he are interested in having that experience and are willing to let that shared experience bring you emotionally and intellectually closer as a couple, run-on sentence. One of the writers would take this moment to note that monogamous couples are not the only people who engage in Sexual acts. That writer clearly hates Jesus.
Bondage is a practice that became more mainstream in the 1960’s. We assume it existed before then. Over the years we’ve learned from… other people’s mistakes…we swear… If you are interested in Bondage there are some things we want to warn you about:
1.) If this is a random “Hook-up” they could be trying to rob you. Seriously, if a woman offers to take you back to a hotel room and tie you to a bedpost, you might be there a while.
2.) If it’s something that your partner is into and they want you to be into it then you need to have conversations about how far you’re willing to go. Decide on a safety word and make sure that partner is willing to respect your boundaries. If he wants to slap your Breasts relatively hard and you just want to have your hands loosely tied while he tongues at your Lady Parts… you two are in for an awkward-mostly-Sexless-night. (As a safety word we recommend: Hornswaggle. Seriously, the likelihood that “Hornswaggle” is the thing they scream out of intense pleasure; very slim.)
3.) Establish whether or not this is a regular thing. Maybe you (or your partner) does not want to have Sex with handcuffs often. Maybe you don’t even want “sometimes.” We’ve found that many couples experiment with Sexual Acts and then decide that experiment went poorly. One of our writers tried “Titty Fucking” with his less-than-A-Cup girlfriend… we didn’t try that more than once… but she did have to purchase some moisturizing skin cream…
4.) Peruse the inventory before you make any purchases from this shop. You don’t want to be blindfolded when you discover she’s into sharp objects.
5.) If you try this at home and find it’s awesome; go ask an expert. Sex shops will be able to learn you some things about this activity and match you with items that suit your comfort.
6.) Finally, don’t do anything you don’t want to do! IF YOU DON’T WANT TO TRY BONDAGE… DON’T LET S/HE TALK YOU INTO IT!
Basically you need to communicate. If you want Bondage and your partner does not, then you need to talk about that shit! Maybe your partner is willing to compromise. Maybe you need to have that need fulfilled somewhere else. If your partner is open there are people and places that will barter with you; you give them money and they tie you down and whip you while you think about them naked. Maybe your girlfriend/boyfriend would rather you pay for it than have it be them. Not really the thing we want to advocate, but definitely an option for informed adults making informed decisions about their Sexualities.
Tip #11
While food play may seem like a good idea, be very careful when food is near the Vagina. Changes in the pH of the Vagina can lead to things living in there, and those roses really smell like poo-poo-poo.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Kiss me through the phone...
Here's the deal dudes and dudettes:
Phone Sex is AWESOME! There is nothing more exciting than sitting alone in your room (or in a crowded public bathroom) and talking dirty to someone through your cellphone. Unless you are sitting alone in your room (or on a crowded Greyhound bus) and talking dirty to someone through your cellphone AND touching yourself. Hell yeah. HELL YEAH!
Here's the step by step instructions on how to have phone sex, in the form of an actual phone sex conversation I had today at Sonic immediately before making this post:
Me: Hey girl, how you doin?
Girl: Oh, I'm fine. I bought some shoes today!
Me: Baby, tell me what you're wearing.
Girl: Oooh, I've got on lacy thigh-highs and a sexy bustier.
Me: Girl you know I want to get you up outta that outfit.
Girl: Oh, really?
Me: Yeah really, girl I wanna getcha naked.
Girl: What would we do then?
Me: First I start off kissin' on you.
Girl: Ooh, do I get to kiss you back?
Me: You can't baby.
Girl: Why not?
Me: Your hands are gently tied to the bed posts.
Girl: Ooh, do I get a blindfold?
Me: Yeah girl, and that means I can kiss every inch of your delicious body.
You can see where this is going. These two people are about to have a great night. One of these people even made the Sonic employees VERY uncomfortable. Step 1, find a person who won't be mad if you talk dirty with them. Step 2, talk dirty to them over the phone. Step 3, reach orgasm. Step 4, rinse and repeat.
You'll be having the best platonic-yet-sexual long-distance relationship you've ever had in no time!
Tip #10
Ignore sex advice blog posts on April Fool's day.
Phone Sex is AWESOME! There is nothing more exciting than sitting alone in your room (or in a crowded public bathroom) and talking dirty to someone through your cellphone. Unless you are sitting alone in your room (or on a crowded Greyhound bus) and talking dirty to someone through your cellphone AND touching yourself. Hell yeah. HELL YEAH!
Here's the step by step instructions on how to have phone sex, in the form of an actual phone sex conversation I had today at Sonic immediately before making this post:
Me: Hey girl, how you doin?
Girl: Oh, I'm fine. I bought some shoes today!
Me: Baby, tell me what you're wearing.
Girl: Oooh, I've got on lacy thigh-highs and a sexy bustier.
Me: Girl you know I want to get you up outta that outfit.
Girl: Oh, really?
Me: Yeah really, girl I wanna getcha naked.
Girl: What would we do then?
Me: First I start off kissin' on you.
Girl: Ooh, do I get to kiss you back?
Me: You can't baby.
Girl: Why not?
Me: Your hands are gently tied to the bed posts.
Girl: Ooh, do I get a blindfold?
Me: Yeah girl, and that means I can kiss every inch of your delicious body.
You can see where this is going. These two people are about to have a great night. One of these people even made the Sonic employees VERY uncomfortable. Step 1, find a person who won't be mad if you talk dirty with them. Step 2, talk dirty to them over the phone. Step 3, reach orgasm. Step 4, rinse and repeat.
You'll be having the best platonic-yet-sexual long-distance relationship you've ever had in no time!
Tip #10
Ignore sex advice blog posts on April Fool's day.
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